Written by Joe Leff

Tuesday, 24 January 2012

An obese man who died from a heart attack had been gorging himself on free meals and drinks for 9 months prior to his sudden death.

52-year-old Albert Burton, who lived near Cheddar Gorge, loved all-inclusive holidays at Mediterranean resorts, and was the first British tourist to discover a way of accessing unlimited free food and booze.

Mr Burton had collected more than 40 plastic wrist-bands from a variety of all-inclusive hotels. "He cut a bit from each one," said his sister, "and then melted them in a pan so that he could mould a new multi-hotel wrist-band."

From then on Mr Barton travelled abroad a few more times on cheaper room-only package holidays. But his 'universal' wrist-band entitled him to free meals and drinks wherever he went.

"But as Albert got fatter," said his sister, "he found it too uncomfortable flying abroad. So he thought he'd try out his wrist-band at hotels in England."

Amazingly, Mr Burton was never refused access in any UK resorts. And some 'all-you-can-eat' Chinese restaurants were vying for his custom as news of his voracious appetite spread.

As Mr Burton lay dying on his hospital bed (specially reinforced with steel girders), the food trolley was on standby whenever he moved his wrist slightly.

His last wish was that his wrist-band be buried with him. Mr Burton believed that the Pearly Gates Complex was the biggest 'all-inclusive' in the Universe.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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