Hot off the press, news has reached us that London Mayor, Boris 'Frightwig' Johnson is to play a major role in the opening ceremony of the Olympic Games this year, to be held in the capital city.
Having long been an advocate to bring the games to London, and his active status as Mayor, organisers jumped at the chance to include the self-confessed 'Tory tosser' in the opening ceremony, and in spectacular fashion if reports are to believed.
An assistant to the director of the opening ceremony, Danny Boyle, stated that Mr Johnson was perfect for adding that extra bit of 'je ne se quoi' to the proceedings.
At the press conference today, Barry Pipkin said:
' Being the natural showman that Boris is, we were thrilled to include him in the ceremony. Plans are a bit sketchy as yet, but the intention is that he will be involved heavily in the climax of the show. He will be strapped to a rocket firework, shot up into the heavens, and upon explosion, parachute down to earth, where he will join the dance troupe, 'Diversity' in a specially choreographed routine set to that British wartime standard, 'Maybe It's because I'm a Londoner.'
He will also be wearing a union jack leotard as the icing on the cake. We just know he is going to be fabulous!'
Mr Johnson explained that he had been 'in training' for some time.
' Well I am thrilled of course to be involved in this great London event, but it won't be the first time chaps. As a dry run I went up on one of the rockets on New Years Eve. I must admit I was a bit nervous when a few sparks got a bit too jolly close to little Boris, and I had a near miss with the London Eye upon ejection, but the landing in Trafalgar Square went better than expected, although I'll be picking Christmas tree needles out of my arse until March.
Not altogether sure about the leotard though. May have to lay off a few pork pies before I don the bugger.'
Mr Johnson's great nemesis, former Mayor Ken Livingstone commented today on the amazing news:
'Frankly, I've been wanting to shoot Boris up in a firework for years so I'm delighted by it. I would have done a better job though, especially with the dancing having taken first place in the teenage tango competition at Butlins in 1961.'
Prime Minister, David Cameron, and Mr Johnson's old Eton mucker, made a brief statement when leaving No 10 this morning:
'Bloody hell.'
