Tom Cruise tried to steal my legs
Nicole Kidman has spoken out for the first time about her failed marriage to the strange Scientologist and closet queen Tom Cruise. She describes in detail the humiliation and odd requests that actor Tom would make to her every day. Poor ginger...
Read full storyPrime Minister's Questions board game released
Have you ever watched Prime Minister's Questions and thought "I'd love to do that"? Well now you can, with the official Prime Minister's Questions board game. It is a game for three players. One player takes the part of the Leader of the Opposition, one plays the Prime Minister and the third player is the Speaker of the House. The game is simple. The Leader of the Opposition thinks up a...
Read full storyBankers celebrate new bonus after John Terry mortgage application
In a week when debate on bankers bonuses dominated the front page headlines the tills were overflowing and champagne flowing last night in city wine bars as bankers celebrated the approval of John Terry's latest remortgage. The £170,000 a week Che...
Read full storyBlue badge holders to pay in Dorking Car Park
The main car park in Dorking is the subject of the ire of local disabled drivers. "It used to be free to park in the car-park," said wheelchair bound Hans Klappen. "Now we are being asked to pay and display." It is not the fact that the disable...
Read full storyRomney 'not concerned about the very poor,' admits being downright bored of them
TAMPA, Fl. - Despite an impressive 14-point victory in Florida, GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney felt he couldn't vacate the state without sticking it to those Floridians--and Americans--who were least like the candidate: the very poor. In a...
Read full storyTaylor Swift Halts Her Concert After Two Jerks Hit Her Guitar With Red Laser Beams
GREEN BAY - Taylor Swift was in the middle of her concert performance at The Cheddar Cheese Convention Center in Green Bay when she suddenly stopped singing and playing in the middle of a song. The 22-year-old country songstress had just gone into...
Read full storyA day with Cliff and Jedward
One day, Jedward were strolling through their local city centre, heading off to KFC to suck on some citrus handwipes. They had spent the day in the local toilets and their mouths felt as crusty and salty as Dawn French's gusset after a long hot car journey. Coming in the opposite direction was none other than Cliff Richard, brother of Keith, resplendent on his roller blades, in a "GOD'S MY BE...
Read full storyDown In The Jungle
Peru has called on explorers to stay away from an isolated Amazon basin rainforest tribe after pictures of 'uncontacted' tribal members were published on line. This news has had a devastating effect on famous explorer and registered semi-halfwit,...
Read full storyBasil Fawlty defends friend Wolly Thompson over cheese theft
Hotelier Basil Fawlty has come to the defence of his old friend Antony Wally Thomson after the TV chef was arrested stealing wine and cheese on five separate occasions from down on their luck supermarket Tesburys. Speaking to trade magazine 'Hotel...
Read full storySwedish cannibal and vampire to marry in; bloody hell!
A self-confessed cannibal and his vampire mistress have asked their psychiatric institute in Sweden if they can get married and live the rest of their bloody lives together (promises to be pretty short lives!). The cannibal, enjoyed chewing the fl...
Read full storyJohn Terry given the Spanish Archer by fans
John Terry will be allowed to lead his country at Euro 2012 after his race-row court case was adjourned until July 9. In a statement, Judge Rupert Nonce said: "We haven't got time for the trial at the moment. The lads at Chelsea have some difficul...
Read full storySuarez to have extra english lessons to avoid repeat of race row
Luis Suarez is taking extra English lessons to avoid a repeat of his ban for racially abusing Patrice Evra. The Liverpool striker was given an eight-match suspension for calling the Manchester United left back 'negro' and feels the charge came abo...
Read full storyNow the Pope may strip Fred Goodwin of his Vatican gong
London - The 'God's Banker Medal' (2nd Class) is in the personal gift of His Holiness and can be rescinded at the discharge of a beretta - er...dropping of a biretta! - the Pope's mouthpiece said today. Typically recipients must show extraordinary...
Read full storyGroundhogs Seek New Careers
They've just about had it, with looking for their shadows. "And it's a once-a-year gig," complained a groundhog who wishes to remain anonymous. "What are we supposed to do for the other 364 days of the year?" An informal survey revealed a variety of career paths now followed by the industrious rodents. One groundhog who has recently signed a contract with a famous weight-loss chain, had t...
Read full storyCarol Vorderman 'Outed' As True Inventor Of Rubik's Cube
One of the best kept secrets of the twentieth century has finally been laid bare - as it transpires that the true inventor of the Rubik's Cube, was not, in fact, Hungarian mathematician, Emo Rubik, but none other than our very own 'loose woman', Caro...
Read full storyBBC Radio 5 Live should cover 'more minority sports' says BBC Trust
BBC Radio 5 Live has been told to do more to cover minority sports in a wide-ranging review by the BBC Trust. This follows criticism of Radio 5 Live by its commercial rival, TalkSport, which said the station was failing its remit to cover less mai...
Read full storyGOP primary debates now to be televised by WWF
CNN are seething that they have lost the franchise to rights to air this popular entertainment on Prime Time TV and must now be content to show only playbacks over and over again. "We will have to release many of our commentators from their contr...
Read full storyI Have Nothing to Write Today
An alarm clock sits next to my bed, pushed to the far corner of the night stand and out of convenient reach but no matter, there is never a need to set it. For some reason the brain seems to rise completely on its own at 5:00 AM every day whether or not the rest of the body is ready to crawl out from the warmth and protection of a 20 year old faded and tattered quilt. The basics followed. R...
Read full storyKate Middleton seen 'walking the dog' near Kensington Palace
London - Strict No Smoking, No Drugging, No Soliciting bylaws form crucial components of the Kensington Palace tenancy agreement covering poodle fakirs (sic) and their molls. Last night a hooded, muffled figure was seen strolling in Kensington Gar...
Read full storyMy beloved Griselda - Part Two - Taking her home...
Giselda was about 5'11" tall, around 15 stone (solid with it), lovely long hair, gorgeous wide hips, tree trunk legs that I instantly wanted to wrap myself around. My Beloved Griselda - Part One - The Beginning Part Two - Taking her home... I was getting myself ready to go and pick up Griselda, as arranged, from the cottage she was staying in for her visit to England, to visit her penfri...
Read full storySuper Bowl Loser to be Executed in Prime Time
NEW YORK, N.Y. -- In a dramatic and controversial move to boost television ratings, Fox News today announced the quarterback of this weekend's losing Super Bowl team will be electrocuted on a special live show following the game. A Fox spokesman said...
Read full storyDeadly snow forcast - Boffins confirm link with seasons
Met office boffins today release an extreme weather warning as the nation readies its self for another battle with mother nature. Top met office scientist Prof Andrew Swanker said today "we now have enough data to prove there is a correlation betw...
Read full storyDrogba (who?) no Pogba!
Sir Alex Ferguson, alias Merlin the Magician (and he aint no Micky Mouse), has confounded his critics once again. He waved his magic wand over Old Trafford last night and up popped Pogba (no not Drogba). How he does it only he will ever know! He p...
Read full storyOld Man On 1000th Spoof Story Gets Constipation
A writer on the satirical news website, TheSpoof.com, has told readers within the site's forum that he is experiencing a bout of constipation at a critical point in his spoofing career. Jaggedone, 86, told forum readers that, on the cusp of achiev...
Read full storyJustin Bieber and Selena Gomez Talk Candidly About Their "Wow Factor"
HOLLYWOOD HILLS - Justin Bieber and his girlfriend Selena Gomez were taking a nice little afternoon stroll up by the famed Hollywood sign. The sign which was donated to the city of Los Angeles in 1923 by the Central American country of Costa Rica...
Read full storyKim Kardashian Reportedly Has Her Sights Set On Kobe Bryant
BEVERLY HILLS - Kim Kardashian was shopping on Rodeo Drive at the famed Dolce & Gabbana Store for a winter purse. She was quickly approached and assisted by the store's assistant manager Evangeline Tucker-Waterseason, 42. Kardashian was thr...
Read full storyNina Dobrev Insists That The Alleged Erotic Internet Photos of Her and Ian Somerhalder Are Definitely Photoshopped
BEVERLY HILLS - Nina Dobrev, the star of Vampire Diaries, was sitting in her usual chair at the famed Haven of Hair Salon on Rodeo Drive. She was being given the full hair treatment by the hair stylist to the stars FuFi Fondue. Fondue who at on...
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