Britain to take Japanese Volcano
Following the dramatic recent events in Japan that have resulted in thousands of people being killed or made homeless, Britain's foreign secretary William Hague announced in the Commons today that the UK would be leading the world in the field of dis...
Read full storyYoung Obama Told He Would Never Amount To A Hill Of Beans Unless He Learned To Cheat Better
Last week Barack Obama said that he too had been bullied in school, mainly because his ears were bigger than anyone's. This week he went even further, saying that one of his high school teachers took him aside one day and told him that, "He just did...
Read full storyFlorida couple's house burned when matchbook collection catches fire
The Hoarder's Digest - Tragedy struck on Thursday afternoon when the home of Ned and Wanda Kelly went ablaze after a grease fire ignited several grocery bags full of matchbooks stored around the stove and numerous closets around the house. The couple...
Read full storyGoldfish gets head stuck in hole in Justin Bieber's sock - court case imminent
It was reported that, earlier today that animal rights activists and emergency personnel were rushed to the home of 'singing sensation' Justin Bieber. Apparently, Justin was removing his socks in the manner of any teenage 'singing sensation' by fl...
Read full storyMidsomer Murders Race Row: Characters Recast By Computer Tech
Midsomer Murders producers have turned to digital technology to alter two of the main characters in a bid to quell the growing row over the lack of ethnic minorities in the programme. Central character DI John Barnaby's sidekick, DS Ben Jones, is...
Read full storyFooty star mugged by Brit bimbo after he pinched her bum!
England's super-sprinter-soccer-star, Aaron lennon, who earns much money playing for the Spurs went a "sprint" too far in a London night-club. Lennon, thinking that all Brit Bimbo's love soccer stars, especially their money and fast cars, was rela...
Read full storyThe Immig_Rant - or "Soft Touch UK"
Oh to be in Euroland now we have no borders, but tell me how are we supposed to fend off these marauders? The word went out some years ago that England was a freebie, and now our bucket's filling up we've got the heebie-jeebies. So why do we feel so dismayed to see so many races, of every different colour and a strange array of faces? If you invite the hoi polloi and give them everything, it's...
Read full storyLet's hear it for our illustrious ex-PM, Bony T. Liar...
Oh please let me in I want to be a politician, it's all so exciting - I'm a man with a mission! You'll love my mock-sincerity I've practiced it for years, my sombre-faced delivery will have you all in tears, you'll love my lies and promises I've honed them to perfection, now all I need to do is win the General Election! You voters will be much too thick to spot that I'm a total prick, a cad a k...
Read full storyGilbert Gottfried Has Just Joined Bernie Madoff and Governor Scott Walker As The Three Most Hated Men In America
WEST COVINA, California - Sitting in his apartment in West Covina, Gilbert Gottfried, the voice of the Aflack Duck, was shocked to hear that he has been fired by the insurance giant. Gottfried had what many consider to be the easiest job in the hi...
Read full storyHow's about a reality check for Simon Cowell...
Let's all get hysterical about some kid who can sing a bit. What's that I hear - his mum struggled on her own to raise this likely lad? Good. We can use that to win over the bleeding hearts. And his dad is doing time? HUSH THAT UP NOW! We don't want to spoil the Product before it's launched......... This lad will go far backed by our marketing expertise, so wheel out the Publicity Machine an...
Read full storyTalking Cars - Shut up
Do you remember the 80's TV show called Night Rider? Not the one about the nocturnal rapist but the crime fighter Michael Knight. The show was probably best remembered for his car called KITT, who would happily chat away to Mike about criminal's whereabouts, how best to approach a hideout or Michaels drinking habits. Well, it turns out that talking cars may be just a few years away from us norm...
Read full storyThe Bachelor: In A Strange Turn Of Events It Now Seems Emily Maynard Is In Love With The Show's Host Chris Harrison
HOLLYWOOD - After having Brad Womack, aka "The Bachelor" pick Emily Maynard over Chantal O'Brien, which 91% of the shows viewers believed he was going to pick and then Emily saying on The After The Rose Show that she is not going to marry Brad comes...
Read full storyLawyer Serves Court Order Via Facebook - legally.
A lawyer has served a court order over Facebook recently. The person being served could not be reached any other way apparently. It's legal and is one one way technology is being used by police worldwide. Now there is NOWHERE you can hide. So if you are a criminal, or in anyway wanted by police or interpol.....GET OFF FACEBOOK NOW.... Behind in alimony payments? cancel your facebook accou...
Read full storyPandemonium ensues at crisis meeting of GAFCOGS
During an emergency session of GAFCOGS - the "Global Association of Fat Cats and Other Greedy Sods" - held at the members-only SKIMMERS & SCAMMERS club in the basement of number 49 Dean Street, Soho, in London's West End last night, there was wid...
Read full storyIsle of Wight News - Isle of Wight Mardi Gras under fire
Isle of Wight Councillor David Pugh has come under fire for renaming the Isle of Wight Spring Festival the "Isle of Wight Mardi Gras". This carnival and tourist attraction is to be held on the ninth of April and this has angered local pedants. "Th...
Read full storyHow about a Military Tank as a Garden Centrepiece with which to 'wow' your neighbours?
The British Military are short of cash and over-run with all manner of miliary machinery and will be holding an auction soon in order to get a bit of cash back in their coffers. Fewer men in the military means fewer pieces of hardware required, so about 600 tanks, four frigates and destroyers, all manner of armoured vehicles and artillery pieces will be placed up for auction very soon. It...
Read full storyRunning from a Tsunami? There's an app for that
With tsunamis so much in the news, Apple have decided that now is the right time to release their eagerly awaited Tsunami App. "Personally, living in the Peak District," said App Now! editor Buck Mackintosh, "I cannot see much use for this app rig...
Read full story'We're all Fuked' say Japanese boffins
Boffins monitoring the Fukushima nuclear power plant leaks now fear the site is about to go nuclear! After considering a visit to the plant to report eye witness accounts we decided to phone instead. Mr Yoshi who is a resident boffin at the plant...
Read full storyCourt order served, legally, on Facebook
A lawyer legally served a court order on Facebook recently. The individual could not be 'found' anywhere, but good old Facebook came through. There is nowhere you can hide if you have a Facebook account. The Courts worldwide are using technology...
Read full storyShoplifter Peaches Geldof cursed by anagram karma
London - Is the 'Feels Dog Cheap' name rearrangement at the core of Peaches' attraction to petty shoplifting? Ms Geldof's PR was staying schtum today as Red Tops poured scorn over the latest 'misunderstanding' over a £70 dress than vanished from a...
Read full storyProf Brian Cox: "Keep It Loud!" Producers' Heads Explode.
Dishy physicist Brian Cox has sent BBC production staff into a tizz by saying that despite viewers' complaints, he likes the music in his new series Wonders of the Universe. As we reported yesterday, after hundreds of viewers complained about the...
Read full storySuBo fanatic's quilt quarantined!
A Susan Boyle red scarf wearing fanatical loony was being held in custody last night, charged with the 'Importation of a blessed quilt without inoculations'. The American fanatic was held on arrival at Edinburgh airport, after customs staff discov...
Read full storyScientists Point to Royal Wedding Guest List as Reason "Cloning" is 'Affront to God!'
The Royal Institute of General Medical Science, noted for their study of Genes and DNA, said the upcoming wedding of Prince William will provide the setting for the largest gathering in history of mutant strains of human DNA. The Prince will marry...
Read full storyExistence of God proven! Yes folks - there is a God!
For at least the last two thousand years the argument has raged, among Christians and Muslims alike: Is there really a God? Or perhaps an Allah? Are we supervised by, and ultimately answerable to, a Supreme and Omnipotent Being, sole Creator and Orig...
Read full storyRoss Kemp's Extreme World to return with a Norfolk Special
Ross Kemp's hit Sky One show, Extreme World, wiill return for a one off special in August to highlight the serious problem of inbreeding in the county of Norfolk. Kemp, famous for his role as Grant Mitchell in EastEnders, will start his journey i...
Read full storyLily Allen Documentary: Insurance Companies On High Alert
Insurance companies are on high alert today, expecting a boom in claims following the screening of a documentary about Lily Allen this evening. Ms Allen announced her retirement from the pop music industry last year, claiming that she was sufferin...
Read full storyMidsomer Murders Chief Creates Panic At ITV
Bosses at ITV are "running around like farts in collander" following controversial comments by Midsomer Murders producer Brian True-May. In an interview with the Radio Times, True-May explained that ethnic minorities were never portrayed in the po...
Read full storyAt last - An Irish Sex Manual!
The first Irish sex instructional manual written by an Irishman has just been launched in Dublin and looks set to be a best seller. Actress Helen Mirren said she was sure it was what the country needed even though she had not yet had a chance to read it. But, she said, "Irish men are the best lovers in the world. They may not say much but they sure as hell know what they want." Written by an e...
Read full storyPaul McCartney Visits The Beatles Magical Mystery Strawberry Rain Museum In Liverpool
LIVERPOOL - Sir Paul McCartney flew into his home town of Liverpool to visit the Magical Mystery Strawberry Rain Museum which houses hundreds of Beatles memorabilia, relics, and artifacts. McCartney had heard about the museum being broken into on...
Read full storyNewly Discovered Photos Of Adolf Hitler's Girlfriend Eva Braun Clearly Prove She Was Anorexic
CHICAGO - The Chilly Wind Flea Market in Cicero was the sight of a recent historical World War II discovery. One of the flea market merchants identified as Keaton W. Clackercroft, was found to have several photographs of Adolf Hitler's mistress Ev...
Read full storyThe Bachelor: Brad Womack Picks Emily Maynard Over Chantal O'Brien - But There's Already Trouble In Paradise
HOLLYWOOD - This year's Bachelor finale was filmed in beautiful South Africa, but the producers may just have thrown away their money and are probably now wishing they had filmed it in La Brea or La Habra instead. Many felt that Brad Womack was go...
Read full storyStewardess Injured By Turbulence
An American Airlines stewardess was taken to hospital this week after a "turbulence related" incident on a flight from Chicago to Los Angeles. The Boeing 747 had just reached optimum cruising level when, according to the Health and Safety Executiv...
Read full storyOldest Bird In U.S Raises Chick
"110 year old Ellie Mae Dorchester, the oldest bird in the States, has given birth to a chick at Sonora State Hospital, California". So says today's headline in the Dudes Journal, the most popular U.S publication for male chauvinist pigs. This particular caption refers to a centenarian in the States giving birth to a 5 pound baby girl after receiving 18 months of artificial insemination.
Read full storyPolice's "Cunning Plan" For Student Protests
Papers obtained under the Freedom of Information Act have revealed that the Metropolitan Police believed it had a "cunning plan" to deal with the student protests over tuition fees last year. The unnamed author of the documents advised that, if th...
Read full storyDundee United Help With Emergency Planning
Scottish Premier League club Dundee United have offered the use of their facilities for emergency planning training in the event of natural disasters. Following the devastation caused by the earthquake and tsunami in North East Japan, DUFC chairma...
Read full storyRV Careens Off Cliff, Apparently Result of Geriatric Sex Act Gone Wrong
BOULDER, CO - An elderly couple on their way from Boulder to Durango lost control of their 2008 Ambassador recreational vehicle on a mountainside and rolled over while unsuccessfully negotiating a sharp curve, tumbling forty feet to the bottom of a s...
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