Earth twin planets Kepler 20e and 20f 'to be upgraded to 36DD'
Space - NASA geeks said today the new galactic cup sizing reflects a shift away from prepubescent planetoid measurements in the newly discovered Cleavage Constellation. Earlier reports from the Agency's Kepler space telescope assessed the rocky sa...
Read full storySir Bruce Forsythe's estranged wig off on hols for Christmas
With Christmas fast approaching, news reaches us that Simon Cowell and his merry band of brown nosers are not the only ones off on an annual winter break this year. After many years of loyal service, Sir Bruce Forsythe's wig, Stanley, is off on a...
Read full storyEgyptians celebrate new discovery
Egyptian scientists have found that a Camel's toe can actually be used as an aphrodisiac. The discovery was made by three University undergraduates who had stolen their local University rivals football mascot. On getting the camel home they embar...
Read full storyPenn State University Has Decided To Change Its Name In Order To Get Rid of The Coach Jerry Sandusky Stigma
UNIVERSITY PARK, Pennsylvania - In a collegiate move that has surprised 91 percent of the Penn State faculty and 93 percent of the Penn State student body, school administrators have moved to change the university's name. Penn State spokesperson...
Read full storyX-Factor Host Steve Jones Will Be Given The Old Heave Ho and Be Replaced By Derek Hough
HOLLYWOOD - It is no secret that Steve Jones hosting X-Factor is kind of like watching a salmon climb out of a river and try to run along the banks - it is a very sad and uncomfortable sight to watch. Many of the Hollywood publications including T...
Read full storyDame Penelope Farthing Makes Clean Sweep At Dorking Xmas Pickles And Preserves Festival
Celebrations were well under way at Felcher's Bottom Manor last night, as local aristocrat, Dame Penelope Farthing swept the board at the 71st annual Dorking Xmas Pickles And Preserves Festival, which this year was held on the top field of the Starli...
Read full storyGeorge Clooney off the market and set to marry Ann Widdecombe
Yes, showbiz fans, here at news headquarters we cannot quite believe it either (in fact our editor choked on his weight-watchers muesli bar when the stunning news came in) but 'tis true!! Womanising, silver fox and star of 'Return of the killer tomat...
Read full storySeasonal adjustment disorder? There's an app for that
Sufferers of Seasonal Adjustment Disorder (SAD) can finally rejoice with the latest applelet from MyWay Apps, iNoSad. "This is brilliant," said App World! editor, Mac Buck. "Worth every cent of the ten dollar fee. I've not only bought it for myse...
Read full storyIraq sends Obama a slice of Turkey mistakenly!
Iraq have mistakenly gifted President Obama a huge slice of Turkey which was actually meant for their Kurds living in the Zagros mountains of Turkey. The President always enjoys Christmas presents from ex-enemies and whilst opening it he diplomat...
Read full storyDyslexic Man Proclaims Bah Humbug after Bedbug Infestation
Filing an insect nuisance report with the New York Department of Adult Entertainment Licensing and Insect Eradication, a man who had first said his name was Pike Marker, claims that his entire apartment complex is "wovered cith humbugs", apparently j...
Read full storyReal Music Fans Sad to Hear Jon Bon Jovi Still Alive
New Jersey, NJ--Real music fans were saddened to hear that Jon Bon Jovi is still alive. It seems it was just a internet hoax of the talentless wonders death. "I woke-up and heard the great news, Jon Bon Jovi died, but it was not to be. I can stil...
Read full storyIt's time for "Dislike"
EVite Inc. threw its hat firmly into the social networking ring this week, announcing new features for its venerable electronic invitation web site aimed at further engaging invitees. Termed "dislike", the new feature allows a user to "dislike" other invitees and conditionally accept evites, effectively providing a means for an invitee to say "I'll come if Person x doesn't come". Dislikes can be...
Read full storySyria Shows The Way
The example of how the Syrian Government has dealt with rioters has stirred the Police Federation to attempt to follow in their footsteps. In future anyone who disagrees with the Government in Britain is liable to be shot - you can even get into trou...
Read full storyFederal Reserve building under sea pipeline to pump dollars to Europe
Atlantic Ocean - Our source, Micky Splainit aboard the S.S. Dollylop, a pipeline building vessel dispatched by the Federal Reserve, reports that construction of a pipeline capable of pumping a trillion dollars per day to Germany is nearly completed.
Read full storyKate apes Diana in black evening dress disaster
London - It sent a chilling blast-from-the-past as Kate swept in on William's arm to a Red Top paper's party last night in a Diana copycat frock circa 1981. All eyes were on the cleavage, of course, which 34D Diana had amply filled despite 'totall...
Read full storyHysterical scenes of mourning as The Great Successor is pronounced in blooming good health!
Thousands flocked the streets of North Albion yesterday when it was announced that the great leader, Kam Er-Un, was "in great health and just about to go on his annual skiing trip". Men and women fell to the ground in an outpouring of grief seldom...
Read full storyLocal Entrepreneur Offers To Help Fuel Allowance Redistribution
Don't need your pensioner's winter fuel allowance? Want to help someone who needs it more? Well a local businessman is offering to take the hassle out of redistributing the annual government hand-out. The scheme comes after a debate in the Hous...
Read full storyUniversity Challenge: UCL And Manchester Keep Us Smiling
All right! We'll take up the slack while Col Juan News suffers IT trauma. Well done to both teams - this was an entertaining match, thanks mostly to both skippers deliberating with their team mates audibly. And entering into a bit of banter with inquisitor, Jeremy Paxman. Maybe the pressure was off a little, since defeat in your opening quarter-final match is the not the end of the matter...
Read full storySanta Banned at Social Centre in Nottingham
Officials at the Okoku Bantu Social Centre in Nottingham, have banned the traditional appearance of local Senior Citizen Willie Stroker this year. The new Centre manager Abdul-Bazeer Adabayor, explained: "We think that the appearance of Santa Clau...
Read full storyCOO melamine aspartame scare smokes out secret bar code chip implants for the elite
GENEVA, Switzerland - Hot on the heals of the country of origin (COO) secret melamine bar code revelation comes an even more shocking cover-up than last reported. "Not fair", is the plaintive cry of industry associations in response to revelatio...
Read full storyKim Kardashian Appears on "The View" and Still Insists That She Will Not Be Returning Any of Her Wedding Gifts Including The Thoroughbred Racehorse
HOLLYWOOD HILLS - Kim Kardashian recently made a guest appearance on The View and was drilled pretty good by Joy Behar and Whoopi Goldberg regarding her wedding gifts. Behar began the conversation by asking, "So tell me Kimmy, married anyone latel...
Read full storyPlumbers protest "butt crack" ordinance
When Mason Williams was issued a $50 fine for wearing a pair of low rider pants, he got a little pissed off. Pissed off enough to work on creating a new law of his own, "The saggin' butt crack ordinance." Mason was offended that he had to pay th...
Read full storyPolitcally Correct "PC" Barbie shipment blocked at port won't be here in time for Christmas
If you had plans to purchase the new biodegradable, eco-friendly, jackboot dreadlock wearing Barbie in time for Christmas, forget about it. The newest incarnation of Barbie, produced using recycled plastic in a sensible size 7 body type, was blocked...
Read full storyBritney Spears Has Come A Long Way Since Her "Playpen" Flashing Days
WEST HOLLYWOOD - Britney Spears recently hit the big 3-Oh. And she says that she does not feel a day over 40. The blonde singer who is perhaps best noted for being the most infamous lip syncer in the music industry celebrated with her fiancé Jason...
Read full storyKim Jong Il Left $1 Million North Korean Wons To Jon Gosselin
PYONGYANG, North Korea - North Korea's Rice Press News Agency is reporting that the late Kim Jong Il left a net worth of $4 billion. The bulk of his estate will go to his four children Kim Ah So, Kim Foo Foo, Kim Oh Saki, and Kim Yo Yo Yo. A re...
Read full storyMichele Bachmann Strongly Suggests That Iraq Become Our 51st State
INDIANOLA, Iowa - Michele Bachmann's Hair Spray Across America Bus Tour pulled into Indianola, Iowa, home of Indianola Indian Corn Tortilla Mix. She was greeted in the parking lot of the local Captain Cluckity Cluck Cluck Chicken Shack by a crowd...
Read full storyKim Jong Il is seen alive in Hackney
A video uploaded last night on popular video sharing website Youtube shows a clip purporting to be recently deceased North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il serving a customer at a restaurant called Kim's Korean Nights, in Hackney London. The Youtube uplo...
Read full storyIs Kim Jong Junior weird enough for the job?
As North Korea comes to terms with the loss of its "Dear Leader", the shadowy figure of "the Great Successor", his son Kim Jong Mark II has begun to emerge. Young Kim Jong II only appeared with his father on live television for the first time las...
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