Chiswick organist gives woman vibrato
A Chiswick organist has been accused of performing vibrato on an elderly woman in a church vestry. Turnham Green resident Humphrey Nonce was allegedly seen with 69 year old Doris Clunge sitting on his organ by local cleaner Chiswick Flo: "I wa...
Read full storyRats! Gadaffi Doomsday Plot Fails
The oil producing facilities of Libya were unexpectedly saved by rats, which chewed through wiring attached to a "Doomsday Device", according to sources in Tripoli. The elaborate underground facility constructed and run by Col. Gadaffi included a...
Read full storyStalactite App to be Developed
Cupertino, California - As news got out about a secret cave of stalactites in Scotland, Apple, Inc. has decided to create the Stalactite app. Apple plans on using web cams so that the users can see the stalactites form in real time. The Gra...
Read full storyThoughts of Nancy Grace on "Dancing with the Stars" making many fans throw up in their mouths
HARFOLD, Vermont.--"One of these things is not like the other," or so goes the old Sesame Street ditty, and this song could be played on the first episode of Season 13 of "Dancing with the Stars (ABC). In a season which will feature very leggy and...
Read full storyChina offers Bill Clinton clone of himself
Former president Bill Clinton was contacted by Chinese officials from the People's Academy of Science with an offer to provide a clone of himself for use as a replacement body. "The clone is an exact duplicate of Mr. Clinton, currently 28 years old a...
Read full story"Indiana Jones Not Accurate", Say Archaeological Society
The American Association of Archaeologists has issued a statement to counteract what it calls "vicious lies and fallacies" about their work. James Tukinluk, the head of the AAA, maintains from his post at Berkeley that "movies like Indiana Jones,...
Read full storySuccessful Face Transplant after Chupacabra Attack
A Mexican hotel maid underwent successful surgery to restore her face three months after a brutal attack by the legendary Chupacabra. The 19 hour surgery involved complete reconstruction of facial bone and cartilage, as well as transplantation and gr...
Read full storyOwners told to lock up their dogs in North London
Arsenal have signed South Korean Park Chu-Young from French side Monaco, and it is fair to say local dog owners are not happy. Although Arsene Wenger has brought in the 26-year-old striker to boost his side attacking force, It has caused shock-wav...
Read full storySpurs clinch deal for FC Nazareth superstar
Tottenham Hotspur have clinched a two year deal for FC Nazareth star Jesus Christ. Jesus, 2011, has been in talks with the North London side since Easter, but is now glad to be with what he calls his 'second home'. "I'm so glad to be here", sa...
Read full storyNine Obama relatives detained by INS, Obama writes Fatwah
The president of the United States wrote a Fatwah against the INS following the detention and threatened deportation of nine close personal relatives. The Obama clan's trouble with immigration authorities began with Zeituni Onyango, Obama's patern...
Read full storySarah Palin to buy Smart Car
Sarah Palin, the former governor of Alaska and possible presidential hopeful, is said to be investing in a Smart Car in a bid to create a public profile for herself as an eco-friendly candidate. Palin's reputation on environmental issues has draw...
Read full storyForget gold, invest in sand, Wall Street advises
New York - How can you make some quick gains in a slow economy? The smart money on Wall Street is flowing out of gold and Into sand, according to a random survey of top investment analysts. "Sand is a steal compared to other commodities," said Rog...
Read full storyDancing With The Stars Announces The 12 Celebrities For Season 13
HOLLYWOOD - The twelve contestants who will be appearing on season 13 of Dancing With The Stars have been announced and most are not exactly household names. DWTS Producer Bernadette Penderlicki stated that it is getting harder and harder to get c...
Read full storyReality Show to choose next Libyan Dictator
Representatives from the Libyan provisional government have announced that the next dictator of Libya will be selected using a competitive format modelled upon the American reality show "American Idol" The surprise decision is designed to build cl...
Read full storyNinjas to patrol British cities because the "Old Bill" can't hack it!
A new law enforcement agency is being introduced into Britain called the Ninja Patrol. It seems that the British police force are totally out of their depth dealing with deviant criminal practices rife in most UK cities, i.e. drug dealing, child pros...
Read full storyObama's uncle fails U.S. history sobriety test
FRAMINGHAM, Mass.--President Obama's uncle, Onyango Obama, was arrested on August 24 after failing a sobriety test based on the history of the United States. Police pulled over Obama, 67, after making a rolling stop through a stop sign and nearly...
Read full storyBriefing Papers on Libya found in Oilcan
A Minister - who cannot be named because he is involved with international development - inadvertly placed secret papers in a spare oil can and threw them in his dustbin. A dustman - seeing the papers - knew where to take them. I told him several...
Read full storyMelbourne wins "most Australian city" award
The Australian city of Melbourne has beaten Canada's Vancouver to the title of world's most Australian city for the first time in almost a decade. Vancouver has topped the annual Global Most Australian City Survey since 2002, but this year fell t...
Read full storyLeominster Men Latest Victims Of John Wayne-Induced Happy Slaps
Leominster is the latest sleepy provincial market town to be hit by a spate of John Wayne-induced happy slap attacks. The outbreak of about 60 incidents last night followed two earlier attacks by wives in Selby, North Yorkshire. They attacked thei...
Read full storyWill Smith Says He and His Wife Jada Pinkett-Smith Are Not Divorcing But If They Do He Gets Jaden and Jada Gets Willow
HOLLYWOOD - The Tinsel Town rumor mills have definitely been working overtime in the Will Smith-Jada Pinkett Smith marital situation. Some entertainment news agencies have the couple divorcing, some have them merely separating, and some have Will...
Read full storyMiley Cyrus Says She Is Still Looking For Mr. Right
SANTA MONICA - Miley Cyrus was sitting with her little sister Noah, 11, at Santa Monica's famed Shanghai Sue's Sushi Sandwich Shop where the two sisters were having a nice sisterly meal. Cyrus who has recently taken a backseat to the goings on in...
Read full storyTop 10 most improved rivers to take a dump in, released by Environment Agency
A list of the 10 safest rivers in England and Wales to take an unscheduled dump in has been released by the Environment Agency (EA). The list includes the River Wandle in London, which was officially declared a sewer in the 1960s, making it total...
Read full storyDiana memorial seance spells out arrangements for Queen's RIP
Scotland - A ouija board session at Balmoral Castle has thrown up a mysterious hexoplasm prediction from the late Princess' bulimic ghost. Excreted by Crathie medium Mrs 'Nessie' Doris-Pokes the gauze-like substance shocked assembled royals with i...
Read full storyStrauss-Kahn Returns to IMF, Receives Applause
Dominique Strauss-Kahn apologized to the staff of the IMF in a visit to the institution on Monday and was greeted with warm applause. Strauss-Kahn, who was recently acquitted of sexual assault by a New York court, returned to France last Friday.
Read full storyFury in Caracas as Hugo Chavez-hired bullion submarine 'sinks' without trace
Caracas - The Venezuelan leader is hopping mad at reports that repatriation of the country's 211.35 tons of gold bullion has got off to an inauspicious start. The overnight 'disappearance' of HMS Iron Pyrites, a refurbished former Royal Navy sub c...
Read full storyDr. Marcus Bachman revises strategy re. "Cure for Homosexuality"
Dr. Marcus Bachmann, president and owner of Bachmann & Associates, has announced a new therapy for assisting men in "curing their homosexuality". Bachmann's controversial clinic has attracted attention for its claims to cure gay men by means o...
Read full storyAmericans like Ron Paul clone
Washington--American people love Ron Paul's ideas and political convictions, but they prefer them to be in the body of Ricky Perry, as evident by the poll numbers. "I think the American public doesn't want a grandpa figure telling them what is wr...
Read full storyBrit Soul Singer Adele Accused of Wearing Stolen Clothes At MTV VMAs and Slamming Britain
Adele's biggest moment in her American career, performing live to America's music royalty at the MTV VMAs and been tarnished by her criticism of Britain's leader and accusations her dress was stolen to order during the London riots. US media misinter...
Read full storyObama Demands Donald Trump's Birth Certificate
In a surprising turn of events President Barack Obama has issued a formal request to examine the birth certificate of real estate magnate Donald Trump. The question of Trump's paternity arose recently following the so-called "birther" debate surr...
Read full storyWorthing Voted World's Most Liveable City
Whilst you may never have thought of Worthing as a 'city', an international panel of Pikey travellers has decided otherwise. In a recent liveability survey, carried out by the Pikey Ford Transit Van Club of Europe and The Americas, the former West S...
Read full storySally Bercow to join Spoof!
The wife of the speaker Sally Bercow is joining Spoof in a deal costing nothing! All Sally will get is a good laugh now and again and she can keep her name a secret - although she just might want to make her name known. In a last minute bid Spoof...
Read full storyHairy legs? There's an app for that
The latest applelet to take Apple's App Store by storm is iShave. "This is a cunning device," said developer Harry Chin. "It uses the inbuilt vibrate function to rev the phone up to the maximum vibration it can. This lets the connector port act li...
Read full storyGood drivers required at English Telecoms
English Telecoms operate the largest fleet of vehicles in England and have realised that with rising fuel prices there is a simple way to save money. "I was reading about hypermiling," said head of fleet operations, Dee Sell. "And I realised that...
Read full storyTuba player drowns during Military Tattoo
Tragedy struck at a Military Tattoo this weekend when James Ollerenshaw drowned while playing the tuba in front of a packed audience. "It was shocking," said Ben Dage, the first aider who was first on the scene. "Nobody knew what was going on at f...
Read full storyNews from 2020: Arsene Wenger still unable to find 'Right Player' to buy.
Entering his 25th year in charge of Arsenal FC, Arsene Wenger has released a statement that he is still trying to find 'the right players' to spend his money on. In a statement released to the press, Wenger said: "It is imperative that I find...
Read full storyGaddafi's valet, saucier and Shih Tzu dogs take refuge at The Casbah in Algiers; mysterious stunt double Charles Boyer - dead since 1978 - among them
Algiers - Libyan leader and international jewel thief Muammar Gaddafi's valet Fred, his saucier Hedy Lamar, stunt double Charles Boyer, and pampered dogs Hannibal and Mohammed arrived in Algiers Monday, state media reported. The government has inf...
Read full storyGazza Becomes a Rent-a-Friend
Retired footballer Paul Gascoigne, nicknamed Gazza, has embarked on a new career as a rent-a-friend. Gascoigne details his services in a recently placed newspaper advertisement in which he manages to spell twelve words incorrectly - including his...
Read full story"Taft tub" will stay in White House until Christie officially denies Presidential aspirations
WASHINGTON, D.C.--The head interior decorator for the White House decided Monday not to replace the "Taft Tub" in the Presidential Suite's bathroom until New Jersey governor Chris Christie officially denies any Presidential aspirations. "The 'Taft...
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