Tuba player drowns during Military Tattoo

Funny story written by IainB

Tuesday, 30 August 2011

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Disaster at the Tattoo

Tragedy struck at a Military Tattoo this weekend when James Ollerenshaw drowned while playing the tuba in front of a packed audience.

"It was shocking," said Ben Dage, the first aider who was first on the scene. "Nobody knew what was going on at first. He just stopped marching and playing his tuba, spluttering and convulsing. By the time I knew what was happening, it was too late."

Dage had been playing the Tuba for the Combined Forces Marching Band for the past twelve years, and was well respected by the rest of the members.

"He was always up for a laugh," said Jane Ollerenshaw, his wife and flautist. "And very romantic, he proposed by putting a red rose in my flute. He will be sadly missed."

Organisers of the event have put the death down as a freak accident.

"There was no way the first aiders could have possibly known what was happening," said event organiser, Ed Dinbruff. "Nobody would have thought it would be possible to drown in the middle of a military tattoo."

Investigations after the event have shown that due to the wide aperture of the tube being played by Ollerenshaw combined with the sudden bursts of increasingly heavy rain saw his tuba slowly fill with water, and as he breathed in to complete the fanfare of the Theme From Star Wars, too much liquid entered his lungs, and he was unable to recover.

"Although heavy rain, cold winds, the odd snow flurry and early on set of darkness typify a Scottish summer," said Dinbruff, "we will be looking at protecting the band members in future by insisting that all tuba players have umbrellas. It was either that or have a roof."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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