Dr. Marcus Bachman revises strategy re. "Cure for Homosexuality"

Written by Nash D. Plott

Tuesday, 30 August 2011

Dr. Marcus Bachmann, president and owner of Bachmann & Associates, has announced a new therapy for assisting men in "curing their homosexuality".

Bachmann's controversial clinic has attracted attention for its claims to cure gay men by means of a technique that calls individuals to "Pray the Gay Away". The technique has received sharp criticism from several groups, including both the ACLU and the conservative Christian group Folks on the Family. According to ACLU spokesperson Len Wallerman the clinic is a significant tax shelter for Dr. Bachmann's wife Michele Bachmann and therefore can be described as an organization receiving tax subsidies, subject to the constitutional guidelines regarding the separation of church and state. Folks on the Family objects to the therapeutic strategy on completely different grounds, claiming that such therapy practiced by non-believers is tantamount to "setting them up for failure and disappointment".

Dr. Bachmann's new therapy for "curing" gay men was inspired by Congressional bill HR2560, more popularly known as "Cut, Cap and Balance". The bill, promoted by House Speaker John Boehner(R), was tabled when faced with presidential veto but not before inspiring Dr. Bachmann to attempt a novel approach to his therapeutic practice. According to Dr. Bachmann, "While discussing the upcoming house vote with my wife Michele we were arguing back and forth about the bill and its supporters... Boehner, Cut-Cap-and-Balance. Cut-Cap-and-Balance, Boehner". The inspiration for my practice just grew out of that association of names and concepts". Bachmann refused to elaborate further upon the details of the therapy other than to reiterate that it cures gay men by cutting, capping and balancing. Asked whether or not she agrees with the new therapy, Michele Bachmann(R) stated that "I did not vote for the original Cut, Cap and Balance initiative because it did not go nearly far enough. Much though I respect and submit to my husband, I cannot help but feel that this therapy suffers from similar shortcomings. It just does not go far enough".

There is no indication at the present time regarding whether the "Pray the Gay Away" therapy will be completely replaced by "Cut, Cap and Balance" or whether the strategies will be phased from one to the other or even used in parallel. When asked, Dr. Bachmann commented that "the two initiatives are not necessarily mutually exclusive. There is no reason why one person cannot cut and cap while the other prays, as long as the eventual end result is something other than a homosexual". Clinical trials are expected before the end of the year.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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