Written by Nash D. Plott

Tuesday, 30 August 2011

Former president Bill Clinton was contacted by Chinese officials from the People's Academy of Science with an offer to provide a clone of himself for use as a replacement body. "The clone is an exact duplicate of Mr. Clinton, currently 28 years old and created from his own DNA", stated the official. "All that remains is for Mr. Clinton to have a head transplant, which we are capable of doing in Beijing at his convenience".

Former President Clinton was shocked and surprised by the offer. "I have no idea where they got samples of my DNA", stated the former president, "although I suppose that to be truthful there was no shortage of it floating around during that particular time period". Officials from the Chinese government did not elaborate upon exactly why they offered Mr. Clinton a clone of himself; however, analysts believe that in order to protect their financial interests China desperately wants to see the USA produce a president who understands economics, and believe Clinton to be the only president in living memory who ever has.

It is unclear whether a clone of Bill Clinton bearing a transplanted head would be eligible for president. The issue of a birth certificate would certainly come up, since one could questionably claim that the cellular tissue from which the clone was "born" originated in the USA, although the nationality of the clone itself could be considered to be Chinese. The issue of term limits also would come to play, since it is questionable whether or not the clone with a transplanted head would technically be Bill Clinton or whether it would be considered the progeny of Clinton. Nonetheless it is a fairly certain bet that the resultant person would have a better grasp of economics than Barack Obama and Ben Bernanke together.

Asked whether he would be amenable to the idea of a head transplant the former president remained non-committal. "I'm sort of attached to the old body", the president quipped. "On the other hand, I could have all the ribs and beer I wanted for about five years. Hillary would probably not mind, either. My marriage to her has always been from the neck up".

The surprise offer from the Chinese begs the question of how many other heads of state can be found in clone form within Beijing laboratories. According to Chinese genetic researchers the number is expected to be surprisingly small. "Relatively few people can be cloned successfully, and even fewer can survive a head transplant", explained Dr. Liu Sun of the People's Academy. "Even relatively simple cloning procedures can have unexpected results. For example, a number of years ago your John Kerry appeared to be doing well after surviving multiple arsehole transplants, but then against all odds the arseholes rejected him and you ended up with Bush. There are no guarantees in this field".

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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