Scotland - A ouija board session at Balmoral Castle has thrown up a mysterious hexoplasm prediction from the late Princess' bulimic ghost.
Excreted by Crathie medium Mrs 'Nessie' Doris-Pokes the gauze-like substance shocked assembled royals with it's stark 'Welcome Home Your Majesty, heheh!' message.
The barnstorming seance comes ahead of tomorrow's fourteenth anniversary of the Pont d'Alma DUI crash that culminated with Elton John's Westmonster Abbey tribute of Goodbye England's Woes.
Planchette readings have long been a favorite in the Queen's Scottish hideyhole, their advice suspected of being behind countless 'dumb' decisions like this year's Kate Middleton 'royal' wedding.
Last night's grim message was dismissed by HM as 'bollox' despite all the correct occult codes materialising along with pawprints of one of her favorite corgis, shot accidentally by Prince Charles during a Glorious Twelfth bang-bang escapade.
Nevertheless extra sentries will now be posted outside her Balmoral bedroom this week along with strings of vampire-averse garlic bulbs, lucky rabbit feet and other death-defying talismen.
"Queen Elizabeth plans to reign forever," Prince Philip's batman declared today.
"Besides, another queen clone is waiting in the wings should any unfortunate sudden death syndrome suddenly strike our beloved monarch."
The Duchess of Cornwall is covered in warts.
