Wales experiencing worst winter ever
Temperatures of -20 degrees. Snow everywhere. The curse of the old lady eskimos. This is officially the worst Welsh Winter ever. Usually used to temperatures of about 1 degree, Wales has underperformed yet again: cocking up everyone's plans.
Read full storyJulian Assage Fired from Job as United Nations IT Department
NEW YORK - Julian Assange, founder of WikiLeaks, has been fired from his day job at the United Nations Information and Technology Department. Julian Assange's WikiLeaks had released several sensitive documents about the Iraq wars, and of special t...
Read full storyObama Pushing Free-Trade with South Korea
Washington--Obama is pushing free-trade with South Korea because he couldn't sleep anymore knowing that he wasn't doing enough to create jobs in South Korea. "Everyone knows that South Korea will benefit the most from this free-trade agreement. S...
Read full storyJosh Duhamel Doesn't Like Flying
Hollywood - Josh Duhamel was escorted off a flight from NY to KY because he didn't want to turn his phone off. "I used the routine that I needed my phone on because I am an important actor, but the reality was and is that I don't like to fly. I w...
Read full storyMercury Morris is Mad
Miami - Mercury Morris is upset that no NFL teams are undefeated. "I live for going on ESPN and bragging about an old record that really doesn't mean much to most Americans. Sure, our team went undefeated and the season was only 14 games long, bu...
Read full storyPentagon Finds "Lost" Afghan War Strategy on Wikileaks
The US Pentagon announced that it had found the entire Afghanistan war strategy, which had been "accidentally" lost, on the Wikileaks website this week. "Thank goodness for Wikileaks", exclaimed an exasperated General David H. Petraeus who is the...
Read full storyClub Owner Says Pee Wee Herman His Most Gallant Customer
Owner of The Rooster & Pullet Club just outside Los Angeles says that the late-staying, friendly with everyone, Pee Wee Herman is his best customer by far. "Pee Wee always keeps his bills paid up although he actually only drinks one alcoholic...
Read full storyWikiLeaks Show Dozens of Nude Anna Chapman (Russian Spy) With CIA Agents
The US need not fear about any new secrets reaching the leaders of Russia that are in the WikiLeaks now being released. Apparently they have known most of them for some time now, by the sheer number of nude photographs of different CIA members in bed...
Read full storyChristina Aguilera Now Dating Twins!
Apparently Christina Aguilera cannot choose between Samantha Ronson and ex-husband Jordan Bratman so she has been dating identical twins, according to a recent edition of "Lacy Leather Magazine." "As far as we know, she has officially divorced Bra...
Read full story"Arm-hair Foul" called in World Cup Pool game
It's true, one of the silliest things I've heard, nonetheless true. "Arm-hair foul" was called by a female referee today in the Italy v Phillipines World Cup Pool game. Let this be a lesson to all pool players out there, SHAVE YOUR BLOODY ARMS BEFORE A CHAMPIONSHIP GAME. You would think they would have thought of that - being professional pool players. It's obvious to me and I don't even...
Read full storyRussian planes not the best. . .choose your airline with care
For those football fans planning ahead to 2018 - which we ALL know by now is to be staged in Russia, choose your airlines wisely. This just in: The Dagestan Airlines Tupolev airliner carrying more than 160 people overshot the runway after landing at Domodedovo airport outside Moscow, with all three engines dead. More than 50 people were injured in the accident as the plane fell apart.
Read full storySanta Got Shot Down by Sarah Palin
Santa got shot down by Sarah Palin Flyin' over Alaska, yes sirree She said we don't need no socialistic Brainwash in the land of the free She'd been drinkin' lots of strong tea Sarah wandered out the door Grabbed her rifle from the pickup And she swaggered on to settle up a score We found Santa in the mornin' Face-down in the Alaska snow Sarah said to us, "Gosh, darn it Ya know that...
Read full storybin Laden Applauds Obama's Speech To Troops
In a cable just disclosed by WikiLeaks, Osama bin Laden expressed his approval for the President's recent message to American troops in Afghanistan: "Al Qaida will never be permitted to set up a safe haven in Afghanistan again. That's not going to h...
Read full storyFIFA To Judge Eurovision Song Contest
In a sensational move, which is sure to have seismic and seminal repercussions throughout the worlds of soccer and popular song, it has been announced from Bungenspiel Castle, the Bavarian Headquarters of the Eurovision Reichskommissariat, that the c...
Read full story4 ways to combat Global Warming
Global Warming. Alleged myth, or otherwise? The world is getting hotter, and that's without pictures of Pixie Lott and Cheryl Cole on the Internet. But in a bid to keep your back garden nice and polar bear free, we give you our top five tips to ensure your world is safe and sound. 1) Don't use fossil fuels: they're antiques. Treat them like you would with any antique. Ignored on a shelf in...
Read full story'Not Bloody Likely': Palace Rules Out Wedding Dance Up Aisle At Westminster
Buckingham Palace has today definitely ruled out the possibility of the wedding party dancing up the aisle of Westminster Abbey in a YouTube sensation when Prince William marries Kate Middleton in the spring of 2011. "Suggestions such as this dis...
Read full storyKim Jong-il Wins Kim Jong-il Prize for Poetry
Democratic People's Republic of North Korea is proud to announce that esteemed Council for the Arts has awarded coveted Kim Jong-il Prize for Poetry to Kim Jong-il for seventeenth consecutive year. Mr. Kim is well-beloved for finding inspirations...
Read full storyIn my medicine cabinet
I recently had a rash on my hands. It was quite a nasty rash, brought on by stress, apparently. I'm one of the most relaxed people I know, and yet, according to the doctor I was stressed and it led to the rash. Personally, I feel I am allergic to something, and my doctor couldn't be bothered finding out...but that's another story. I was given some cream for the rash. Being a law abiding citizen...
Read full storyIllegal immigrant families 'delight' at temporary extension of HGV working hours
A traveling family of illegal immigrants awaiting transportation from France to England on a heavy goods vehicle are said to be 'delighted' at the government's announcement that it has temporarily relaxed the legal restrictions on the length of time...
Read full storyBorn to Spoof - The Sequel - Chapter Ten
"I need a nun. Forsooth, I have waited so long to admit such a frivolous desire . Now I have said it and there is only ONE nun for me. I yearn, oh how I yearn for her. Your quest, should you accept it, is to search her out and deliver her to me," said the mysterious being in a voice that sounded much like Skooby Doo after sucking in helium. Morse and Jeanlefete coughed in unison, each grabb...
Read full storyWikileaks: Manchester United Manager Sir Alex Ferguson Has No Plans To Retire At 100
Manchester United manager, Sir Alex Ferguson, has categorically denied rumours that he plans to remain at the helm at Old Trafford until, and possibly after, he is 100 years old, says Wikileaks. The Scot, 81, was reacting to a news story on the sa...
Read full storyBlatter tops Forbes Rich List
There was shock yesterday as Forbes announced that Sepp Blatter, the FIFA president, had topped the Forbes Rich List, rising from 51st to 1st overnight. Sepp Blatter, speaking from his 6-star hotel in Russia yesterday, said that he was ecstatic ab...
Read full storyWikiLeaks bombshell: Bill Clinton ordered nuking of NATO UFO bunker
Stonehenge - (Ballistic Mess): The secret Presidential executive order during the Lewinsky impeachment trial was successfully intercepted by UK intelligence. GCHQ monitors moved quickly to order the deployment of a anti-nuke shield downloaded from...
Read full storyWorld Governments to Hit Back at American Insults on New Web Site
Annoyed, embarrassed and generally resentful of the back biting and petty contents of American diplomatic cables, everybody except America is now posting on a new website, YankeeLeaks. Via the site, America's getting far worse than it gives, on a...
Read full storyPantomime Season Begins Early
The LibDems are in rehearsal for the opening night next Thursday of their special Pantomime season. Led by Vince Cable the key section of 'Cinderella', with Nick Clegg in the starring role, consists of a fabulous chorus of 'Yes I will!' 'No he won...
Read full storyIsle of Wight News - No News Tomorrow
For the first time since we went on-line the Isle of Wight News will not be publishing news tomorrow. We are afraid we got a little ahead of ourselves last week outing the story of massive job losses at the Isle of Wight Council at County Hall no...
Read full storyIn Wikileaks' Wake American Press Goes Into Full Government Lapdog Mode
Wikileaks release of countless documents that detail the corrupt and shadowy dealings of the U.S. government worldwide have caused the American media to go into full lapdog mode in defense of government secrecy. In editorials, blogs and TV shows the...
Read full storyTories failing to cut thousands of useless public sector jobs
"Tories are failing to cut thousands of useless public sector jobs." Quote from English 'daily'. I know so little about politics around the world but with the recent snowfall I have seen and heard about, covering Britain, I don't see why there is a need to cut thousands of public sector jobs. The government should just change the job descriptions, give them all shovels and send these usele...
Read full storyObama assures US troops they are winning war against Taliban
Barack Obama made a surprise flying visit to Afghanistan and assured cheering US troops they are winning the war against the Taliban, but warned of "difficult days ahead". How he knows this is beyond most people in the civilized world. Every time a soldier dies, other than a member of the Taliban.....we lose. Give all the politicians who send the troops to Afghanistan, a uniform and send th...
Read full storyJulian Assange Offered Asylum by Powerful Northern Ally
Julian Assange is believed to have won the protection of a powerful Far Northern Ally. It is believed he has been offered asylum by the most powerful Nomadic Tribal leader within the Arctic Circle. The leader, who has several tribal names but is...
Read full storyHillary SOS to China: 'We Need the Great Firewall of China'
Here's what Hillary Clinton stated in January 2010 (during Google-China spat): 'Secretary of State Hillary Clinton joined in today. In a wide-ranging speech in Washington, Mrs Clinton said the internet had been a "source of tremendous progress"...
Read full storyPope Reverses Stance on Condoms After Jesuit Priest in Retirement Community Runs Amok!
The Vatican is busy putting a spin on the Pope's recent edict that condoms are 'a little bit of all right...sometimes", after a retired Jesuit Priest took the proclamation a little too far and wound up pleasuring his female neighbors in the Nort...
Read full storyTories up Yankee's Arse
Latest Wikleaks disclosures have finally solved the mystery of Britain 'special relationship' with America. David Cameron, before the election, assured the U.S. President, known in his real guise as the Head of the CIA, that a Tory Britain would b...
Read full storyVagina Pageants Sweep Across America, Megan Fox, Reigning Celebrity Champion
There used to be beauty pageants judging personality, poise, talent, evening gown and beauty. Now, they've gotten to the bottom of the line, the purest form, the essence, the prettiest kersloppus. Women across America have started competing in...
Read full storyDisappearance at Police Station
A major scandal has emerged because of the disappearance at our local Police Station. A Snowman 'acting in a suspicious manner ' was arrested by vigilant police and taken to the nearest police station. When questioned the Snowman refused to reply...
Read full storyFury after revealed that FA exhibited "Green Street" to FIFA in World cup bidding process
MURDEROUS, semi-literate rage was building amongst English football fans last night as it emerged that the Football Association had played the film "Green Street" as part of their unsuccessful pitch to win the right to host the 2018 World Cup. Det...
Read full storyAlien Invasion Fears After Discovery Of "Super-Earth"
Alien technology experts fear reprisals against Earth from a newly-discovered "Super-Earth." The plant, GJ 1214b, is about three times larger than our planet but is the first such extra-solar body scientists have found with an atmosphere. Astro...
Read full storyWikileaks Document Shows That Boy George Will Be Changing His Name
LONDON - A Wikileaks document shows that George Alan O'Dowd, aka Boy George, lead singer with the 80s band Culture Club has decided to change his name. The female impersonating 'songstress' who has admitted that there is less in the crotch of his...
Read full storySarah Palin Is Furious At American Idol For Turning Down Piper Palin
WASILLA - Well it appears as if the "Mama Grizzly" has her claws out. Sarah Palin, the former governor of Alaska, who resigned the job that the citizens of Alaska voted her to do, so that she could star in her very own reality show, Sarah Palin's...
Read full storyThe Rumor About Hulk Hogan and Adam Lambert
SAN FRANCISCO - Former wrestling champion Hulk Hogan was in San Francisco attending a Former Stars of Wrestling Convention. He was asked by a reporter for The Left Coast Tabloid newspaper about the recent allegations that he had been involved in s...
Read full storyBush Refuses to Attend Nutcracker Ballet claiming it Sounds Too Painful
George Bush has told his wife Laura that there is no way he is going to accompany her to any ballet, let alone a ballet titled the Nutcracker. "Is she nuts? Said George, who added "no pun intended, heh heh heh." It is common knowledge that Laur...
Read full storyAlaskans vs. State of Alaska and Sarah Palin
April 1, 2012 - A group of concerned animals and citizens of Alaska has filed a wrongful nomination suit against the State of Alaska for creating an "attractive nuisance" that has resulted in the nomination of Sarah Palin for President of the United...
Read full storyBrit Skis Off Snow-Covered Roof Finishing Off Neighbor's Downed Gazebo
Local resident, Bartlett Peare was so excited to see snow in his neighborhood that he couldn't wait to get out and play in it. Having bought a pair of old snow skis at the local charity shop, Peare was quite eager to try them out. However, short on c...
Read full storyTunnel Found Connecting Lobbyists to Capitol Building
WASHINGTON - Federal investigators have discovered a sophisticated two-mile tunnel between K Street and the Capitol. The tunnel, wide enough for two limousines, was used to funnel money and influence to and from lobbyists' offices. The D.C. Tunne...
Read full storyIran Offers Israel Nuclear Warhead to Extinguish Fires
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad phoned Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu this week to inform him that he would be willing to provide a medium-sized nuclear blast to help extinguish the massive wild fires that are tearing through the nor...
Read full story