Sarah Palin Furious At Being Snubbed By Dancing With The Stars
WASILLA, Alaska - Ex-Governor Sarah Palin, and now just plain citizen Sarah Palin is reportedly furious at being snubbed by the producers of the reality dancing show, Dancing With The Stars. Palin, who is currently in North Korea, is desperately t...
Read full storyPolanski joins long list of celeb warrants stings says LA County DA
California - (Gotcha!): Years of eurotrash legal humbuggery has bombed this weekend as Los Angeles County District Attorney Steve Cooley finally got his guy. "Polanski's been as damn' slippery as that General Pinochet," Cooley told a press briefi...
Read full storyIndonesian Baby Hercules Walked Out of Mother's Womb?
Kisaran, Indonesia - With his mother rendered unconscious by the intensity of the labor pains, the 19.2 pound 24.4 inch unborn infant, still covered in his mother starched out skin, instinctively knew he had to take matters into his own hands. "I had...
Read full storyRiddle of the Obese woman and the missing drug dealer finally solved
Helga Schmidt, a 1.5 tonne dead woman from Austria has helped solve the mystery of a missing Innsbruck man when a recent examination of her 5 year old corpse showed that she didn't die alone. The amazing X-ray images show the body of a man who had...
Read full storyChannel 4 consider even more pointless replacements for Big Brother
Channel 4's flagship programme 'Big Brother' will cruise into the sunset after it airs for the final time next summer. Only one more dismal, fame-seeking cretin will now be able to join the illustrious list of talentless, publicity-desperate super...
Read full storyThe Detroit Lions Finally Win A Game!
DETROIT - The fans of the NFL Detroit Lions have finally been treated to a rare rarity - Their beloved Lions have won a football game. After going for 21 months without winning a game the Lions defeated the Washington Redskins 19-14 snapping their...
Read full storyItaly's Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi's Says The Obamas Are Suntanned
MILAN, Italy - Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi told a crowd of supporters in Milan that President Obama and his wife go sunbathing together and that each has a great tan. Prime Minister Berlusconi who at the age of 72, kind of resembles a...
Read full storySarah Palin to lead expedition to Arizona to "Kill or capture" a Chupacabra
PHOENIX, AR (ABSNN) with Abel Rodriguez - Former Alaska Governor, Sarah Palin, a well known wild game hunter and trapper has received funding for an expedition to Arizona to find, kill or capture a wild Chupacabra (a fierce hairy killing creature lo...
Read full storyHomeless Sex Offenders Live in Tents North of Atlanta
COBB COUNTY, GA (ABSNN) - Approximately one dozen convicted sex offenders who have been released from prison on parole, are being forced to live out in the woods north of Atlanta, Georgia due to the nation's most restrictive laws governing where sex...
Read full storySeeking Obama's Support, Eastern European Country Renounces U.S. Allegiance
Slzaczwa, Molvakia - The Prime Minister of Molvakia announced today that he is renouncing his country's allegiance with the United States. Prime Minister Zinaida Szili said it is with great regret that he takes this action, because he has long a...
Read full storyEx - Zulu warrior marries four women in "one-hit" and it's legal
Horny Zulu, Miltom M'belly has decided to cut the bullshit and marry his four mistresses all in one day. Under Zulu law, it's legal as long a Miltom promises to adopt his own 25 children. This Miltom has promised to do and the white wedding cer...
Read full storyMonsignor Francois Dubois, S.J.--Breasts I have appreciated
As a newly minted Monsignor, I have had the duty of looking back over my lifetime and making recompense for my sins (such as they were). I have remembered the high points in my life as well as the low points; there were many in each category. Today, I wish to make known to my parishioners as well as to the reading pubic, the best points I've ever seen, and those I haven't seen, but am certain...
Read full storyJohn Lennon's Lucy In The Sky In The Sky
Virtually unknown Lucy Vaden, who provided the inspiration for the Beatles' classic song "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds," has died after a long battle with lupus. She was 46. Luckily, she was one of the few who had not been molested by Roman Polan...
Read full storyBarack Obama wows the world with his magic show
Magician Barack Obama once again had his worldwide audience astounded and amazed as his latest tour began this week. Obama, who has already stunned people by his magical conversion from a rich, highly-educated lawyer into a po' hungry Negro and ba...
Read full storyMan finds miracle weight loss cure
A British man claims to have come up with a quick, easy, and surefire way to lose weight - and fast. The former lard-butt has lost five stone (70 lbs / 32 kg) over the past six months, and he did it by obeying two simple rules. As most fatsos a...
Read full storyRoman Polaxski receives lifetime outstanding award for "Bedding" a 13 year old and being on the run ever since
Roman Polaxski, better known as Rosemary's Baby's daughter's rapist, was given a lifetime award for outstanding achievements in Switzerland yesterday. The prize awarded is in honour of his lifetime achievement as being the US's most wanted paedoph...
Read full storyNew control method for London trams goes amusingly wrong
Yesterday, a new cost saving initiative to remove drivers from the London Tram network was unveiled. A spokesman explained, "The principle is much like an old Hornby train set. A five year old boy sits on top of a high tower where he has total vi...
Read full storyRoman Polanski Sitting In A Swiss Slammer
ZURICH, Switzerland - Swiss authorities have arrested filmmaker Roman Polanski when he stepped of a plane in Zurich to attend a film festival. The 76-year-old ex-California babysitter was in Switzerland to receive a lifetime achievement award.
Read full storyStarburst & Snickers are rubbish names proven by scientists
Scientists today announced that Starburst and Snickers were worse than the original British names for these products. Both had different names on British shores and there was a massive out cry when they were changed. Now it seems we should change bac...
Read full storyPapal Black Widow dies of poisoning after bite
Prague - (Tangled World Wide Web): A Black Widow spider died in hideous agony from food poisoning after biting the Pope today. Reporters watched mesmerised as the 3 inch diameter arachnid crawled up the pontifical vestments while Papa Ratzi ramble...
Read full storyPolanski in a pickle
Famous film director and even better known deviant, Roman Polanski, has been charged with violating the body of a sow that he purchased, intending to making a film. The pig, whose age has not been revealed, was harmlessly rolling around in mud in...
Read full storyBush Boost for Brown
While the rest of America thinks Prime Minister Gordon Brown has done a despicable thing by freeing convicted Lockerbie bomber Abdelbaset Al Megrahi, supposedly in return for securing cheaper oil prices and vast oil reserves from Libya and Col Gadaff...
Read full storyMichael Moore Admits To Having Consensual Sex With An Underaged Donut
New York, New York - On the David Letterman show in conjunction with a tour of his latest film, "Socialism for Sissies", Michael Moore admitted in front of a live studio audience that he had consensual sex with an underaged donut during his early yea...
Read full storyLamar Odom, Khloe Karkashian Tie Knot, Have Sex
Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian have tied the knot in Los Angeles and have apparently ran off to have sex somewhere. Apparently both of them are into this bondage thing, say friends, and they enjoy tying those knots. The 29-year-old Los Angeles...
Read full storyEarly Paul McCartney Writings Discovered In Liverpool
A chance discovery in a Liverpool library recently has revealed that Paul McCartney's talent for writing was winning him prizes when he was just 10 years of age, though for an essay about the queen, rather than a hit song, although it could qualify a...
Read full storyPost-G20 Shock: Sarkozy to demolish Eiffel Tower!
French president Nicolas Sarkozy has announced that he is to demolish the Eiffel Tower. Its 7,300 tonnes of steel will be used in the construction of housing for France's poor and homeless. "The President considers this a major step in fighting po...
Read full storyBritain is a Tramp!
Its official Britain is the tramp of the western world! We have dived in to recession so badly we are now just like the tramps you see in the street picking up used cigarette ends! Leading European political economist Dr Ivan Aufulfeelin explained...
Read full storyCold Case Crime Blotter: Polanski nabbed! Dangerous fiend still on the loose.
32 years on the lam has come to an end for renowned filmmaker Roman Polanski. Back in 1977, perp Polanski pleaded guilty to having unlawful sex with a minor, served six weeks in lock-up for evaluation while awaiting sentencing, but got cold feet...
Read full storyWest Ham And Millwall Settle Differences
West Ham and Millwall, the two teams at the centre of an FA investigation into violence after their recent Carling Cup match at Upton Park, have decided to settle their long-standing differences, to shake hands and to let bygones be bygones. The t...
Read full storyNew barn door policy announced at Labour conference
A major announcement was, er, announced by the Prime Minister at the Labour conference this week. Speaking to a packed audience of Labour supporters (the Conservatives and Lib Dems hadn't been invited due to their political leanings) Mr Brown outl...
Read full storyTexan Chupacabra corpse linked to Irish dog fighting syndicate
Detectives in Texas have issued photo-fit descriptions of three Irish Nationals they would like to interview in connection with the discovery of the body of a Chupacabra. The three men, in their mid to late twenties, stayed two nights at the trav...
Read full storyMichelle Obama's Birth Certificate Is Missing
WASHINGTON, D.C. - First Lady Michelle Obama has reportedly informed Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi that her birth certificate appears to be missing. Mrs. Obama said that she recently went to look for her birth certificate when daughter Malia s...
Read full storyIran Friggin' Fires Three Missile Test Drills
TEHRAN, Iran - Iran's Revolutionary Guard Air Force commander, General Hohofu Hezbaloni, 71, has informed the world's media that his beloved country (who's name has a subject and a verb) has just successfully fired off three standard-sized test drill...
Read full storyPrime Minister Gordon Brown Staunchly Denies Pill-Popping
LONDON - Top political reporter Andy Market stunned Prime Minister Gordon Brown during a live conference by asking him if he took any kind of pills in order to help him get through the hectic day. The British prime minister gave Market a stern loo...
Read full storyJenny Slate to teach Sunday School
LOS ANGELES CA - Jenny Slate had been showered with compliments and congratulations since airing the F-word recently on TV. Most letters coming in praise her for her honesty in using the word that everyone knows was the most appropriate for the sk...
Read full storyGiant Indonesian Baby May Reach "Terrible Twos" Stage in Matter of Days
Kisaran, Indonesia - The body of the mother of a giant Indonesian baby was discovered in her house in a mummified state today, just days after she gave a caesarian birth to a 19.2 pound 24.4 inch baby boy and released from the hospital. "Despite...
Read full storyRoyal Navy nets "lifetime supply" of cocaine
SCARBOROUGH England - Royal Navy spokesperson Captain Eallyrey Aygey says the Navy here has seized £4,523 billion worth of cocaine. The Scarborough-based frigate HMS Igodda Puke confiscated more than 2,400,333 tonnes of the drug from a 10,000 ft A...
Read full storyG20 Protestor Angered to Find His Car Vandalized
Pittsburgh, PA - A G20 protestor returning to his car from a busy day of protesting capitalism found his car with a smashed window and missing its radio. Troy Kleagle of Portland, Oregon had driven himself and three other activists across the co...
Read full storyKhloe Kardashian Loses Her Virginity
A blushing Khloe Kardashian walked down the aisle today with basketball star Lamar Odum. She admitted reservations about losing her virginity. "I've been saving myself for marriage", the 25 year old star of Keeping Up With the Kardashians told th...
Read full storyDrop 50 pounds in one week with the new A-O diet?!
FARGO - ND - The whole town of Fargo is on a new diet that is turning them all into buff hunks and twiggy babes. Key to the diet plan? Ice cream. Yes, according to Dr. Perlsrenth here eating a triple-scoop cone with me, this special ice cream is t...
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