Yesterday, a new cost saving initiative to remove drivers from the London Tram network was unveiled.
A spokesman explained, "The principle is much like an old Hornby train set. A five year old boy sits on top of a high tower where he has total visibility of the entire London tram system. He uses a single special dial labeled "MIN - MAX" to control the speed of the trams.
The opening ceremony at East Croydon Station marked the first paying passengers to travel on the new tram; the cream of London commuters who immediately piled into the tram so there was no more space and the doors had trouble closing.
- People who crowd round the doors on the platform so I can't get off the tram
- People who wear their rucksacks in the tram and bang me in the head as they turn round with a stupid "where shall I sit?" look on their stupid faces
- People who take up all the leg room and give me a dirty look when I try to squeeze in
- People who walk around with their fucking suit cases on wheels, tripping me up with these hazards. They drag these things behind them around like a dead dog on a lead (pick it up for fuck's sake!)
- People who smell, infecting me with their stench. WHY ARE YOU POISONING ME?
- People who yak yak yak on their mobile phones about work and sexual problems. Infact People who talk loudly in general, I don't give a shit about you or your miserable lives or how fucking great your weekend was or what your kids got up to!
Tragically, the five year old tram controller turned the speed dial to MAX and the sent the tram hurling towards a sharp bend just past Sandilands tram stop. The tram left the track and landed in a crumpled heap over 500 metres away in Shirley Park Golf Course.
When questioned, the controller said he just wanted to see what would happen. He also did a 'cool' impression of the incident where he graphically described (in slow motion with additional gratuitous sound effects including the screaming people being thrown from the tram as it flew) how the events unfolded.
He was later told that he was no longer the tram controller and the tram set was confiscated, he also got a slapped arse and was sent to bed.
The controller's mother commented, "After practising for over a week, he got bored with the tram just going round and round. He's not really a bad child!"
There were no survivors.