Kaka's Coronation Street script
After his multi-million pound signing to move to Manchester, Brazilian star Kaka made his debut in this evening's Corrie: 'Ay oop, Kaka, how's tricks?' 'Nobbut fair to middlin', Bet, fair to middlin'. Give us a pint of Newton and Ridley's, love.' 'Ah 'eard you was on 'oliday in Italy.' 'Aye, I was, but it were reet boring, nowt but loads of poncey money-grabbin' footballers and their s...
Read full storyDitch In Hudson Planned
Special To The New York Ribald Daily - U.S. Airways has concluded that the pilot of Hudson River Glider 1549 had planned to hit birds and ditch the plane. "Sully" Sullenberger, III, conspiratorial genius, has had the hots for stewardess Misty Bottom...
Read full storyExpired Policemen Recalled to Ranks
Determined to overcome recent staff shortages, Kent Police today announced that they were to hold weekly séances in order to call upon the expertise of their deceased colleagues. Their interest in the spirit world follows the recent fall in recru...
Read full storyMumbai woman who claims FBI took her to US for questioning was actually abducted by aliens!
MUMBAI - A Mumbai woman who claimed that she was flown to the United States by FBI investigators because she was an eye witness to the arrival of the Pakistani terrorists on Mumbai's shores, was actually abducted by aliens! 48-year old Uddaiya, a...
Read full storyPurchasers of Ann Coulter's Books Illiterate
While the success of Ann Coulter's new book Guilty: Liberal Victims and Their Assault On America may be astounding to most, just who is buying them is even more shocking. An independent study conducted by the Curious United National Thinktank, or...
Read full storyThis Week's Horoscopes From Psycho Bob
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC) This week you will not only confirm the saying, "He who smelt it, dealt it" but add your own "and also felt it!" Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN) It would be nice to have a close friend to go places with and who would slap you on the back from time to time, like right now while you're choking on that big piece of meat. Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) Your disagreement...
Read full storyEnd of the Pier Music Hall Set for Comeback
Fans of vaudeville were practically frenzied with apathy last night at the news that music hall comedian 'Cheerful' Charlie Chipstick is beginning a new tour. The renowned alcoholic, famed for his starring role at the Job Centre, is set for a com...
Read full storyThe Worm in the Apple?
Steve Jobs finally admits he prefers Microsoft after thirty years. Saying, "I don't care anymore what people think. It was all a fluke. I was planning to play the bagpipes professionally and the course of the river changed." Steve says, "It was Bill who motivated me early on." Steve's family bought him a guitar while he was on a field trip in seventh grade as a surprise. "When I got back, gone...
Read full storyChristmas Sales Going Well, Say Experts
Sales of unwanted trash in UK stores are doing well, say experts, due principally to the Credit Crunch, the inability of some shops to carry on trading, and the fact that some Britons are just so fucking greedy, they will buy ANYTHING, so long as it'...
Read full storyObama gets idea for his first public works project while on historic Lincoln train ride to Washington, DC
Washington, DC - Reportedly, Obama got the idea while on his historical train ride, taking the very same route that then President-elect Lincoln took to on his way to Washington, DC for his inauguration over a century ago. "I could see him [Obam...
Read full storyDoctors' Opinions of Financial Bail Out Package
Gordon Brown consulted the NHS to find out a second opinion that he was doing the 'right thing' in the current ecconomic crisis. Here are those Doctors' opinions: The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve, and t...
Read full storyCelebrity Big Brother Coolio Reckons He's A Poet
Celebrity Big Brother housemate Coolio astonished viewers of the show tonight when, in a Diary Room interview with Big Brother, the US rapper claimed he was 'a poet' - and his mama didn't even know it. Coolio, real name Artis Leon Ivey, Jr. - ser...
Read full storyBush Urges GOP Male Enhancement in Order to Combat DEMS Penis Policy Toward Governing!
Washington/DC/ Political Sign of the Times - President Bush, in a rallying call to his fallen GOP party during a departing fireside speech, urged his colleagues to "get with it" and "get it up", in order to combat increased sexual political popular...
Read full storyEd McMahan's Poodle Attacks Process Server
Dave Higdon, a process server says if you're going to try to kick Ed McMahon out of his house, you're going to have to get past his wife and crazed poodle first! That's the painful lesson Higdon learned when he delivered legal papers to McMahon's...
Read full storyJermain Defoe Forgets Who He Is Playing For
There was confusion at White Hart Lane this afternoon, when Tottenham Hotspur entertained Portsmouth in the fixture that saw in-form striker Jermain Defoe playing for and against his former clubs. Defoe emerged onto the pitch at the start of the g...
Read full storyObama camp oblivious of apocalyptic Inauguration Day astrology
Washington AC/DC - (Whitewater/Blackwater Mess): Democratic Party central casting is cocking a very haughty, toxic snook at fever-pitch warnings that January 20th's apolcalyptic astrology will upstage their Inauguration Day circus freakshow. The...
Read full storyObama Kicks Off STIMULUS package with a BANG; PROSTITUTION 'FREE' Zone at Inauguration!
Washington,DC/ Screw Magazine/Life Styles Section - President Elect Obama is not wasting any time instituting his STIMULUS package for average Americans, starting off with a FREE SEX edict to reward followers attending his inauguration! Declaring...
Read full storyLincoln's Ghost Chases Obama Girls
Washington DC -- The two little Obama girls had quite a scare when they visited the White House last week. Little Fric and Frac Obama went to the White House with their mother to choose their new bedrooms. Little Fric ran screaming down the stair...
Read full storySearch for Geese Missing in Flight 1594 Continues
Rescue teams this morning were working "round the clock, with all hands on deck" to locate any surviving geese involved in Thursday's crash landing of US Airways Flight 1594, according to team lead Robert Hansen. "You prepare your whole life for...
Read full storyAntiques Roadshow unusual items
The popular BBC antiques programme, Antiques Roadshow, has revealed some of the more unusual items brought in for valuation. "Our most valuable item was a maquette of the Angel of the North," said host Fiona Bruce. "That was valued at a million. B...
Read full storyBarack Obama Mobile Phone Will Include Special 'Black Historical Clock'
President-elect Barack Obama has been presented with a specially-designed mobile communications device to commemmorate his inauguration as First Black US President in history on 20 January. As well as making routine telephone calls, however, the P...
Read full storyGrace Mugabe put in charge of extracting confessions by torture
Trials have been speeded up in Zimbabwe. Grace Mugabe, the wife of dictator Robert Mugabe, has been appointed the new top expert in "evidence" collection by her husband. This follows the delayed appearance in court of over 40 opposition MDC suppo...
Read full storySenile Senior Citizen Pilot crashes commercial plane into Hudson River; then attempts to taxi it to barge slip before taking on water
New York, New York - Suffering from dementia, short-term memory loss and the indignity of having his driver's license recently revoked by the California Department of Motor Vehicles for failing to pass his driver's test, Captain, Chesley B. "Sully" S...
Read full storyMan Teaches Pig to Speak English
Aberdeen - Local farmer Miles McDonough claims to be the first person in the world to teach a pig to speak English. Mr. McDonough made his claim on the weekend at the Jolly Friar Pub. Alec Goodwin from Guinness was there to certify the event a world...
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