The Worm in the Apple?

Funny story written by Kea Toff

Sunday, 18 January 2009


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Steve Jobs finally admits he prefers Microsoft after thirty years. Saying, "I don't care anymore what people think. It was all a fluke. I was planning to play the bagpipes professionally and the course of the river changed." Steve says, "It was Bill who motivated me early on."

Steve's family bought him a guitar while he was on a field trip in seventh grade as a surprise. "When I got back, gone where the pipes and a guitar was on a stand," remarks Steve. "I was just starting to play the pipes good too. I had a future all planned out."

The band thing was at first just a way to have an excuse to go out to the garage to party. "After all, we were actually going to start a garage band and wound up making a computer that semi-pseudo-gay, quirky, weirdoes use." notes Steve

"Looking back, I was playing the guitar pretty darn good and Woz was hooked to the synth. Beatnik Bill was on his way to play drums, till the bust. I guess we would have perhaps been the next Beatles. Face it, Bill is much cooler. We never got busted for cruses on highway 420." chuckles Steve

"After Bill's desert misfortune, he called us for bail, but Woz had spent all of our money on chips, and we couldn't go pick him up for our jam. We all felt cheated. Steve recalls, "He (Bill) called us three days after the free bail call. This time collect, telling us he had to pick up litter on route 66 as a public service thing. I remember him saying he had heat in the desert but to be on the lookout for a package with some sacred Pueblo Indian buttons. Woz and I both laughed thinking Bill was going off. Too much walking in the sun, picking up litter."

"About a week later we got a big box delivered to our garage, full of what we thought were hot peppers and a Grateful Dead tape. WTF. Poor Bill. He was such a good level headed guy. I mean really nice too. Kind of geeky but really nice. Woz was saying he thought they might have beaten or tortured Bill, so we chilled and just decided to listen to the Dead and think creatively how we could pull it all together."

"Halfway through the tape we heard back-masking saying 'take a magic trip'. Woz plugged it into his stuff and as it turns out, Bill had encoded it quite a soliloquy into the tape. In very small, low voice." Steve laughs, "Not your grandmother's buttons, not unless she was a Pueblo Indian. Bill man, he's too much."

"The next week Bill called. We told him we heard his 'micro soft' message. Bill told us he had to lay low for a while. Woz started to fool around with the synth chips and found out he could do the computer thing. Later, after drying out in the desert, Bill eventually dropped by while Woz and I were playing with our "Apple", making a '57 Chevy rock and roll, we had the whole thing wired. Bill said shit man, we could rule the world with this stuff."

"We partied for a few days. Some of it on the roof. Woz was convinced he was Santa and Bill was elf. Bill and I laughed and laughed. Too much."

"Finally Bill said he had to split to make some cash for the legal stuff." notes Steve with some regret. "Before he left he told me he had a micro soft vision."

"Woz was the brains behind the names and numbers with our computer. I was mostly the presentation man. He loved Big Macs. That was how we got the Macintosh name. He was going to call it the Big McIntosh, sell it for $66 because Bill was forced to do public service on route 66. I told him it would never work, but it did! Eventually."

"True, we had to up the price to 666 dollars, a much safer and more acceptable number than sixty-six. And we had to check with the lawyers about the MacRip first. In the meantime, we picked name Apple. It was kind of a Beatles thing to do. Apple records. Incidentally, there is no anagram for Apple and it rhymes with very few other words. Like chapel, so we're doing the dead thing again after Bill left, with the buttons. Thought, apple chapel the fruit that makes your mind grapple. We still had the band thing in mind but didn't know who could replace Bill."

"What can I say, we were all young and eager to embrace life. We weren't burned out aged execs. Those were good times. I would do them again in a nanosecond if we were all young again."

"Of course... my adaptation - Bill would have shown up instead of his being sold down the Rio Grande river. We would have probably all gotten a couple of chick singers and after all, considering our past, we would have named the group 420. Woz was the one who was crazed over the number thing. Bill always got the best stuff. We all called him 'Beatnik Bill'... If I'd had my way," introspects Steve "I was just the presentation man."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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