Global Warming Causes 30 Snow Related Deaths in the Mid-West
Global warming pundit, Al Gore, star of the hit global warming movie, "Global Warming" had little to say to reporters (many wearing mittens) who asked the former VP exactly which part of the globe might actually BE globally war...
Read full storyFormer V.P. Al Gore Announces New Inventions
Former U.S. Vice President Al Gore, who claims to have invented the internet, has announced a list of the other things that he has invented. Many speculate that this has been done to boost a possible push for his party's 2008 nomination for the...
Read full storyMatthew Kelly arrested over turtle head food contamination.
Creepy television presenter and wooden actor Matthew Kelly was arrested last night after revealing in his autobiography he once scooped a "turtle head" out of his backside and wiped it on a Big Mac.
Read full storyHead 'N' Shoulders franchise buys Saddam brother's execution video rights
Baghdad - (Ass Mess): Iraqi government officials are protesting tonight that the head of Saddam's half brother Barzan Ibrahim al-Tikriti literally fell off from shock after he and fellow convicted conspirator Awad Hamed al-Bandar stepped onto the...
Read full storyNew animal Discovered in Antarctica
It appears an Eskimo myth has proved to be more than just superstition. A story retold down the ages in countless igloos about a polar bear who was deliriously high after eating hallucinogenic sea lions, mated with a penguin and produced offspring...
Read full storyASDA Shoppers are Scum - It's Official!
People who regularly shop at ASDA are scum a leading scientist said today, and that's official.
Read full storyAl Gore: Global Warming a Large-scale Practical Joke
Al Gore today addressed an organization he helped found, the ICRGWBOAIAWCNW (International Community for the Reversal of Global Warming for the Betterment of the American, Israeli, and Anyone With the Capacity for Nuclear Warfare), at a fund-raising...
Read full storyGeorge Galloway disappears after Saddam's aides are executed
Respect MP, George Galloway has disappeared and thought to be in hiding today after news broke, that Iraq had executed two of Saddam's top aides and are to press the UK to extradite Galloway to be tried and hung for being one of the evil dictator...
Read full storyBritney's waxwork model 'weeping tears of blood'
London - (Ass Mess): A waxwork model of Britney Spears at Madam Tussaud's Museum in London was reported today to be weeping tears of blood after a protracted internet satire soap opera lampooning the singer's underwear amnesia incident dimini...
Read full storyNew Rocky Film to Create OAP ASBO Surge
LONDON - The Home Office is expecting a big increase in the number of older people resorting to violence and anti-social behaviour following the release of the latest Rocky Balboa film this weekend.
Read full storyLondon Couple Beats Antarctic Expedition to Pole
ANTARCTICA - This week, a team of British and Canadian adventurers hoping to be the first on foot to reach the Pole of Unthinkable Stupidity, were beaten into second place by a London couple who'd just popped out for the weekend looking for inves...
Read full storySome Golden Globe Winners; No Surprise
The Golden Globe Awards are presented each year by the Hollywood Foreign Press and are often a preview of the Academy Awards. This year's list of winners offered no real surpises in the major categories. In the minor, and sometimes more technic...
Read full storyFormer Miss Nevada Gets Huge Contract
A former Miss Nevada who was stripped of her title for baring her breast and other indiscretions has just signed a contract worth over two million dollars. The beauty queen had her title removed recently for behaviour that was deemed inappropriate f...
Read full storyHallelujah, New Bush Iraq Plan: It's Rainin' Men
WASHINGTON (QWERTY NEWS) -- Congress is incapable of stopping last week's split-second decision to send 21,000 more troops to Iraq, President Bush said recently in an interview.
Read full storyMichael Jackson Sued by Pharmacist
Michael Jackson, the one time King of Pop, has been sued by his pharmacist for not paying his prescription drug bills. Filed in a California court, the suit alleges that Jackson is more than $100,000 behind on his credit with the store.
Read full storyLucy "Xena" Lawless Embarks on Singing Career
Lucy Lawless, former action star in television's "Xena, Warrior Princess," has decided to give up acting for a career as a singer.
Read full storyOprah Winfrey Caught Without Make-Up After Holiday Binges
Oprah Winfrey was caught without her make-up, and with no personal trainer in sight, after a month of holiday snacking. The talk show host and self proclaimed arbiter of all things wonderful and right (a.k.a. the female Rush Limbaugh or the black Ma...
Read full storyBush Accepts Position After Presidency Ends
President George W. Bush has announced that he has accepted a position/job to become effective after the conclusion of his term of office. Effective February 1st of 2009, Bush will take over as the cheerleader coach at Longhorn High School, near his...
Read full storyCloudy Apple Juice Riddle Solved
Scientists in the UK have finally put to rest the riddle of how some apple juice has a 'cloudy' appearance. After many different tests which have used space-age technology & cutting edge methods, Scientists have finally been able to remove th...
Read full storyTrans-gender competitors barred in Alvaredo rodeo finale
Alvaredo, Texas - (Ass Mess): The Women's Professional Rodeo Association is insisting that all finalists in this week's Mega Finale undergo rigorous DNA screwtiny before being allowed into the whorse and saddle enclosure after credible rumors...
Read full storyColin Montgomerie To Concentrate On Second Place
Golfer Colin Montgomerie is almost ready to believe he will never, ever, EVER win a major title. The Scot, now 79, feels he is past his best, and knows it would take a miracle, as well as a total withdrawal of all other players from a tournament,…
Read full storyThe Sisterhood of the Traveling Panties
The following is a rare preview of the first chapter of a new book by the best selling selling author of "All Cats Go to Hell" and "You'll Never Eat Paris in New York Again." <div align=center>The Sisterhood of the Traveling Panties</div> <div align=center>Chapter One</div> Once upon a time, there was a cute little pair of red thong panties. These were not just an...
Read full storyThe Queen Was Nearly Toppled By Fanny Craddock Shock
Under the thirty year rule, secret government papers have been released today showing that in the summer of 1977 it was proposed to overthrow the Queen and replace her with TV cook, Fanny Craddock.
Read full storyTop environmentalist claims planet is 'Screwed'
A top government environmentalist, Professor J. Caringbunny, last night rocked the scientific community with news that the Earth was 'screwed'.
Read full storyBradley Walsh Seen Strolling In Soho
TV funny man, Bradley Walsh, has been spotted once again out and about but this time in London's trendy Soho.
Read full storyGolden Globe Winners By Sam
With less than 24 hours, here are the predictions of Samuel Michael Schildkraut for winners of the upcoming Golden Globe Awards:...
Read full storyKing Daughter Said To Be Channeling Her Mother's Spirit; Sets Congregation on Fire
It was reported today that Yolanda King, daughter of Martin Luther King Jr. and Coretta Scott King would be busy channeling her mother's love and spirit on this special day, the first holiday celebrating Martin Luther King Jr. since the death of...
Read full storyBlackpool to host 2015 Oven Chip Festival.
Council chiefs were celebrating this morning as it was announced that Blackpool would play host to the 2007 Kwik Save international oven chip Festival. The dismal seaside town saw off Grimsby and Beirut in its bid to put on this prestigious event.
Read full storyThe Nation Mourns as Michael Parkinson contracts E-Coli.
Veteran chat show host Michael Parkinson was last night said to be "bearing up" after contracting the bacterial infection Escherichia coli. Sycophant Parkinson is thought to have picked up the infection from a piece of faecal matter caught...
Read full storySecret Home Office Report: Masturbation rife in Britain's Prisons.
A disturbing new report by the home office has been leaked to the press in which it is revealed that British prisoners are masturbating up to five times a day. This is the latest revelation to rock the home office, described be weasel John Reid last...
Read full storyOutrage as Pope takes crap in a phonebox
The Vatican was forced to issue an apology yesterday after the Pope was photographed befouling a public phone box in St Peter's Square.
Read full storyGlobal Warming A Good Thing Or Bad Thing?
Anybody who thinks that 'Global Warming' doesn't exist and that it doesn't cause major problems should think again.
Read full storyHarry Potter In Scuffle With Renee Zellweger
Sensational news from the red carpet in Los Angeles today as during a minor award ceremony Renee Zellweger and Daniel Radcliffe came to blows.
Read full storyBird Island Opens Its Doors
Britain has opened its own Guantanamo Bay-style detention camp, Downing Street has revealed.
Read full storyGoogle Runs out of Answers, Files Chapter 11
Folks say "it HAD to happen one day", the number one answer machine in the universe running out of answers. Well, according to Google it DID, Friday 11:03 AM after a lone surfer in East LA asked Google who sang "Suck'n on chili dog...
Read full storyHillary Clinton converts, weighs party realignment
In a stunning and wholly unforeseen development this afternoon, New York Senator Hillary Clinton announced her conversion to Christianity. While the intimate details of the provocation of her decision remain largely unreleased, such developments are...
Read full storyMystery story joins newly deceaseds, Lily Munster and Scooby-Doo Creator
In an odd coincidence the cartoon animator who created Scooby-Doo and Yvonne DeCarlo the actress who played Lily Munster were found dead together in an haunted mansion. The cartoon amateur detectives were called to the haunted mansion to investigate...
Read full story"Spend More Time with My Family" Excuse is Replaced by "Pursue My Dream to Be a Porn Star"
Executives and politicians forced to resign their positions typically say they were motivated by the need to "spend more time with my family". This sounds better in press releases than "I'm about to be indicted" or "they...
Read full storySave The Trees Before It's Too Late!
A couple months ago I was at Six Flags Amusement Park with my girlfriend. After coming off the Tilta-A-Wheel I headed for a nearby tree to steady myself. I pulled a couple of leaves off the tree. A smelly, unshaven, pot-bellied security guard spotted me and shouted, "Hey You!" At first I ignored him because I didn't realize I am the "you" he was referring to. He approached...
Read full storyPentagon Spying on Americans' Financial Records Revealed
Herr Commandant Pedro Javier Espenada, of the Pentagon's Counterintelligence Field Activity agency, or CIFA, said it has become necessary to monitor the financial records of any Americans who might be suspected of supporting terrorism. He pointe...
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