"Spend More Time with My Family" Excuse is Replaced by "Pursue My Dream to Be a Porn Star"

Funny story written by Dan Barash

Monday, 15 January 2007

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This sure beats stockholder meetings

Executives and politicians forced to resign their positions typically say they were motivated by the need to "spend more time with my family". This sounds better in press releases than "I'm about to be indicted" or "they finally figured out I'm an incompetent boob".

The "family" excuse, however, is starting to wear thin from constant use. Besides being an obvious lie, it implies the teller didn't really give a damn about family life until his hand was caught in the cookie jar. A more upbeat and believable excuse is in order, especially one that the average voter or stockholder can relate to. Thus we have Home Depot ex-CEO Robert Nardelli explaining his recent departure with "I want to pursue my lifelong dream to be a porn star." Donald Rumsfeld gave a similar excuse as he scurried away from the Pentagon last November.

The "porn star" excuse reflects a growing media sophistication by those who have clawed their way to the top and hope not to tumble down to the bottom. Everyone has a hidden talent they never got to develop, so why begrudge somebody who wants to change careers and study the blue arts? And we all understand the lure of getting paid to have sex all the time. See, he's just like us!

Over time, the public may come to realize that the porn industry can only accommodate so many cabinet members and executives, and the porn star excuse may fall out of favor. Until then, you may see some faces you recognize on your favorite web site.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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