“George Washington never looked so good,” both Melania Trump and Michael “Michelle” Obummer agreed, after seeing the first U.S. president "up close and personal." "I knew he was tall," Michael said, "but I had no idea he was that big. I think he m...
A New Zealand fisherman caught an 18-month-old baby boy while fishing off the coast of North Island. “I was expecting bass,” Gus “The Guzzler” H____ (name withheld to protect us from possible unpleasantness associated with reporting the news) sai...
Disoriented and confused, 33-year-old Ross Edgy was found off the coast of Scotland (or maybe it was Wales), having swum in circles for 12 days. I left Kent, or maybe it was Limerick, on—well, it was sometime this year, I think—bound for France—or...
Desperate for any responses from the public that could indicate interactive participation, Bing has initiated an underhanded “fake news” feature, calling it, in wee letters the size of which makes them nearly impossible to read, “This Day,” followed...
Two-time loser Hillary “Hillbilly” Clinton, 71, recently said, “the third time's the charm, and I expect to win the presidency in 2020.” Clinton lost the 2008 primary election to Baroque Insane Obummer. She lost again, in the 2016 general election...
Netfix has said no to a new season of Cap'n Marvell Studios' Luke Cage, a jive-action comic strip starring somebody named Mike Coltrane (no relation to John) as the crime-fighting superhero. Although Netfix executives were vague in saying why the...
Former Vice-President “Papa Joe” Bidet, mindful of the 2020 general election, visited Nevada to stake his future presidential bid on getting out the vote among illegal aliens, Antifa “protesters,” MS-13 gang members, and other “non-deplorables.” A...
Chris Whine was living up to his name, as he whined (again) that no one takes him seriously as an actor. “I should have won an Academy Award, or at least an Enema,” he complained, “for my latest role, as an asshole, in the made-for-TV movie, Double S...
Senator Eliza Beth “Pocahontas” Warpath swabbed one of her body cavities to obtain a DNA “smear,” which she submitted to a clandestine cloning service, the name of which she refused to identify. The results of the analysis of the DNA sample, she s...
Morons, who once preferred this nickname to the official Ladder Day Saints designation of their faith, no longer call their famous choir the Moron Tabernacle Choir. It's now simply The Choir, “because,” prophet Warren Jeffs explained from his prison...
A vintage red-and-white Plymouth Fury with Maine license plates is responsible, authorities say, for setting fire to the Sierra National Forest near Yosemite National Park. The vehicle, which has been traced to Arnold “Arnie” Cunningham, was damag...
In an attempt to compete with Foxy Nudes, CeeBeeEss' “Diss Mornin'” program has added Brianna Gold-Digger to its lineup. The buxom beauty, known as much for her ample cleavage and her radiant smile as she is for her “gravitas,” will join co-stars mos...
Dunkin' Donuts, ridiculed for changing its name to Just Dunkin' in what many media analysts (whatever the hell they are) believe was a publicity ploy, is back in the limelight because of the behavior of one of its Syracuse, New Yawk, employees. A...
Milwaukee, Wisconsin—A 20-year-old US Postal Service worker, whom police are calling “Jane Doe,” admitted to having stolen over 6,000 greeting cards full of cash or checks. “But it wasn't for the money,” Doe insisted during her arraignment. She...
USA All the Way—Now that he's wed Hailey “Bald” Wynn, the blonde bombshell who shaves “down there,” teen heartthrob Justin “Canuck” Bieber wants to become an American. But he also wants to retain his Canuck citizenship. “As he says to me,” his blu...
Sunspot, New Meh-he-co--”No” was all a spokesperson for the Federal Bureau of Obfuscation would say in response to Fake News reporter Ida Dunt-No's question, “Was the National Solar Observatory shut down because astronomers saw aliens?” Director C...
T&A City, Nude Joisey--Ms. Virginia advanced in the Ms. Amerika Contest after her politically correct, although sexist, response to the National Foosball League (NFL) controversy concerning players who “take a knee” during the playing of the US n...
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