Two-time loser Hillary “Hillbilly” Clinton, 71, recently said, “the third time's the charm, and I expect to win the presidency in 2020.”
Clinton lost the 2008 primary election to Baroque Insane Obummer. She lost again, in the 2016 general election, to President Donald Trump.
“I don't want to run again,” Hillbilly whined. “I just want to be president.”
If she cannot win the highest office in the U.S., she said she'd “settle” for the presidency of any other country. “I may be gay, but I'm not proud,” she said.
Counting on the fingers of one hand, she touted her qualifications for the presidency: “As a lawyer, I successfully defended an alleged child rapist and was involved in the Whitewater Scandal; I've supported Bill in the great white-wing conspiracy launched against him during the Monica Lewinsky Affair; and, as Secretary of State, I refused to send additional security to protect Ambassador Stevens and his defenders during the Benghazi incident in which he and three others were brutally murdered and kept confidential and top secret information on my personal server. Oh! And I wrote a book, What the Hell Happened?, to explain why I lost against both Obummer and Trump.”
She said her age is not an issue and resents such “sexist,” misogynistic,” “transphobic,” and “homophobic” questions. “I'm a year younger than Trump, and nobody's questioning his energy level. Melania tells me he doesn't even need Viagra!”
She said she's “plenty young enough to lead the free world,” and noted, “if I lose again, there's always 2024, 2028, 2032, 2036, 2040—the average lifespan of a white American female is 81, which would end my runs in 2028, but I intend to be around for a century, at least, so I have until 2047 to win the White House, and I intend to win one of those elections!”