Written by Gee Pee

Sunday, 16 September 2018

image for Police on mail bandit Jane Doe: "She's quite a card!"
The card that doomed Doe (minus the $20 authorities had enclosed).

Milwaukee, Wisconsin—A 20-year-old US Postal Service worker, whom police are calling “Jane Doe,” admitted to having stolen over 6,000 greeting cards full of cash or checks.

“But it wasn't for the money,” Doe insisted during her arraignment.

She stole the cards because she was lonely, “and they cheered me up.”

There was a card for every occasion, she mused. “On my birthday, I collected birthday cards. If I weren't feeling right, I'd help myself to the get-well cards. I'm an agnostic, but it makes me feel close to God to pilfer cards during Hanukkah, Christmas, and Easter. I'm pretty sure the Lord will forgive me, if He exists.”

Locals complained that expected graduation, wedding, birthday, and sympathy cards had not been delivered in their zip codes—zip codes that were served by Doe.

“I have lots of relatives,” Doe explained her thefts of these cards. “Some might graduate from high school, or even college, someday; others might have to get married, if they forget to use condoms; they all have birthdays, too, except maybe my nephew Melvin—some of the family thinks he may be an alien—not an illegal, but an extraterrestrial; and a few might be killed in a drive-by shooting—we don't live in the best neighborhood. As a family-oriented woman, I try to be prepared for every occasion.”

To catch their thief, USPS authorities put a special greeting card, containing $20, in mail to be delivered by Doe. When the card was opened, it would begin to sing.

When it did, a waiting police officer nabbed Doe, who'd opened the card and placed the $20 bill in her purse. The arresting officer also found several hundred other greeting cards in Doe's delivery vehicle.

Altogether, Doe stole somewhere between $40 and $100 each week.

“But it wasn't for the money,” she insisted.

Out on bail as she awaits sentencing for her crimes, Doe acknowledged, “I don't feel too well right now. If I could, I'd steal myself a get-well-soon card, and, if I were lucky, it might have a $100 bill inside it, which would perk me right up, even though it really isn't about the money.”

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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