Morons continue to revitalize faith

Written by Gee Pee

Sunday, 7 October 2018

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Jeffs explains Moron faith's "revitalization" efforts

Morons, who once preferred this nickname to the official Ladder Day Saints designation of their faith, no longer call their famous choir the Moron Tabernacle Choir. It's now simply The Choir, “because,” prophet Warren Jeffs explained from his prison cell, where he's spending a life sentence for sexual assaults on underage “wives,” “nobody but a Moron knows what 'Tabernacle' means.”

In another change that has rocked the faithful, church officials have reduced the number of hours the flock is expected to “engage in church activities” from 24 hours every Sunday to “just 18.”

“Some Morons have found they need a longer refractory period between what we refer to as 'acts of devotion,'” Jeffs explained.

Further changes are likely, as the Morons seek to “find their way through the wilderness” of the modern world, which, they've discovered, is very little like that of the world of their founder, Brigham Young. “In his day, Morons could marry as many women as they could handle,” Jeffs explained. “Today, more than one is frowned on—outside the faith, at least.”

Reportedly, the church is considering allowing adultery to make up for the loss of secondary and tertiary wives. “We're thinking about returning to the Biblical concubines that made King David and King Solomon so happy in their service to the Lord.” Each king, Jeffs explained, had 300 concubines (essentially female sex slaves).

“The Morons are changing, no doubt about it,” Jeffs explained. “I wish I could be among them, instead of here, in this prison cell, awaiting my meeting with my Moron Maker.”

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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