USA All the Way—Now that he's wed Hailey “Bald” Wynn, the blonde bombshell who shaves “down there,” teen heartthrob Justin “Canuck” Bieber wants to become an American. But he also wants to retain his Canuck citizenship.
“As he says to me,” his blushing bride quipped, “he wants to have his hairpie and eat it, too.”
“The Beeb,” as Bieber calls himself, for reasons known, if at all, only to himself, was raised in Ontario, a city in some far-flung region of the planet natives call “Canucka.”
“I'd do anything to get out of that frozen hell,” he said, “including marry Hailey and become an American.”
His wife is allegedly a model and a “television personality,” but she is better known as actor Stephen “Bald” Wynn's daughter.
The Beeb married her because, he said, “I thought if I said 'I do,' it would make me a subject.”
“A citizen, he means,” Hailey interpreted.
Not surprisingly, The Beeb was wrong. (He usually is.)
To become an American citizen, he must undergo a grueling, 10-step naturalization process, which includes proving he can read, write, and speak “basic English.” He must also convince United States officials that he is “of good moral character.”
Bieber is confident about his literacy. “I can read at a first-grade level,” he said, “and write well enough to pen the lyrics to my songs, although my writing really sucks.”
“He means his penmanship,” Hailey clarified. “Fortunately, The Beeb's lyrics are just as simplistic as his music,” she added, offering an example: “'Don't you give up, nah-nah-nah/ I won't give up, nah-nah-nah/ Let me love you/ Let me love you/ Don't you give up, nah-nah-nah/ I won't give up, nah-nah-nah/ Let me love you/ Let me love you/ Oh, baby, baby.' I mean, The Beeb is sweet and all, but he's no Bob Dylan.”
“I'm also a good speaker,” Bieber claimed, “as long as I use words no longer than two sylla—sylla—sylla—”
“Syllables,” Hailey finished for him.
“That's right,” he said. “Sylla—sylla—what she said.”
The Beeb acknowledged, “I am a bit worried about proving I have a good moral chara—chara—chara—”
“Character,” Hailey offered.
“Yeah, what she said.”
“He's had several run-ins with the law,” Hailey explained.
Bieber has been accused of reckless driving in his neighborhood, Calabasas, California, and of causing substantial damage to a neighbor's house by egging the residence. He was arrested in Miami Beach for drunk driving and resisting arrest and admitted to police he'd drunk alcohol, smoked pot, and taken prescription drugs. More than a quarter of a million people petitioned President Barack Obummer to deport him. On two later occasions, he was arrested for assault. Argentina ordered his arrest for assaulting a photographer. He sang a song about African-Americans, using the “n” word to refer to them. China has banned him. He also used a hotel's mop bucket for a urinal.
“But that was then,” The Beeb said. “This is now.”
He expressed hope that he would be considered to be of “good moral charac—charac—charac—a good boy,” he said.
He also prayed that President Trump won't receive a petition to deport him. “That bastard's just crazy enough to do it. Money's saved my ass before, but Trump has way more dollars than I do, so I doubt I could bribe his ass.”