Disoriented and confused, 33-year-old Ross Edgy was found off the coast of Scotland (or maybe it was Wales), having swum in circles for 12 days.
I left Kent, or maybe it was Limerick, on—well, it was sometime this year, I think—bound for France—or Italy—and, somehow, I ended up swimming round and round and round and round and round—”
We get the picture, Edgy.
In the process, he became the first man ever to circumnavigate the coast of Great Britain. For completing the grueling, 1,796-mile feat, he's something of a hero in the United Kingdom.
“We're in really short supply of people—or even things—of which to be proud just now,” Queen Eliza Beth whined, “so we welcome Mr. Edgy into the void. Maybe his exploits can take our mind off our Brexit miseries.”
Like a true hero, Edgy demurred from applying the term to himself. “I'm no hero,” he insisted. “I'm just a bloke who went skinny dipping and lost me way.”
During his swim, Edgy was attacked by jellyfish. “I can still feel their tentacles clinging round me privates,” he complained. “One horny bastard attached itself to me groin and had a go with me as I was spinning round inside a whirlpool. The pain was unbearable, and, if I hadn't had an orgasm—well, three, in actuality—I doubt I'd have survived the ordeal.”
He dined sumptuously, he said, on sharks he killed “with me bare hands” and “whatever offal whales and dolphins left floating on the surface of the sea.”
What's next? Edgy was asked.
“I'm thinking of circumnavigating the world. It should be easier than circumnavigating Great Britain; the world's round, after all, or so I've heard. To prevent myself from getting lost, next time I'll take a GPS device with me, and maybe a couple of lads' mags. Otherwise, I've learned, a few hours at sea makes manatees look like mermaids.”