London- Deep in the heart of London's red light district amid the sleazy neon and whispered requests something revolutionary is turning heads and clucking modest tongues.
Arnie Gufflink sexual entrepeneur and convicted piscophile
has just unveiled plans for Soho's latest addition; a three storey sexual boutique for people of restricted height.
I met Mr Gufflink in his luxurious fur lined penthouse office/home at the top of his new million pound idea, and asked him how he spotted this small gap in the market
"well I have always been in the sex trade and I have always been what you could call pioneer.
I was the one who brought edible underwear to this country
not just that either, latex knacker gloves, anal peep hole pants, laminated jazz mags all that stuff was mine. So when I finished giving her majesty pleasure late last year and they let me out on parole; I needed a 'big' idea to put Arnie Gufflink enterprises back into the black and up on the pink neon rack."
Mr Gufflink lit a slim panatella and said "You know who some of the horniest little buggers in the world are?
Dwarves! thats who! At it like puffs they are those little bastards. So I got to thinking how does a little fella like that entertain a normal size lady and I just couldnt figure it out. Then it hit me sex toys! The devious imps! So thats when I thought why not cater solely to the midget sex market.
Mr Gufflink then took me downstairs via his private leopard skin lift and showed me round the new sales area. He guided me gently over to a rack of finger sized vibrators in various colours and shapes and said "This here is for your lady midget, see those girls have fannies tighter than a Jew and a 14 inch black mamba is just no good for those girls."
He then showed me his range of rubber and leather bondage masks "You would think these would be smaller than the normal ones right? wrong!! they are twice the size those fuckers have huge heads!"
After showing me his range of special sex ladders for mixed height relationships Mr Gufflink told me of his expected best seller "We did a lot of research into what would sell using tiny focus groups."
He took down a box off the specially made low shelving and thrust it into my hands.
"You know what that is son? It's a blow up model of Snow white! The dirty little fuckers couldnt get enough of it!
Thats why we will only be open during panto season when they are all horny and flush with cash"
Wether Mr Gufflink's new venture does put him back on top of the soho sex trade or leaves his finances in the Soho gutter remains to be seen.
But one thing is for certain the world hasn't heard the last of the extraordinary Arnie Gufflink.
