Cry Me A Birthday Bridge

Funny story written by Ana Sian

Saturday, 8 October 2022

image for Cry Me A Birthday Bridge
Happy Fucking Bombday, Mr. President

Blowing up the Crimea Bridge on Putin’s 70th birthday! Now that is class! That’s frickin’ James Bond! They even made a stamp of it – and so quickly! Now that is comedy!

(I guess there were supposed to be 2 explosions, according to the stamp? Maybe a bomb waiting for a better trigger? Blow it again, boys and girls! There are still cars crossing.)

Psychological warfare at Ukraine’s fingertips. (IF they did it … imagine if it was just some stupid Russian mistake, since they’ve been making a lot of them lately, it wouldn’t be surprising. Putin could only blame himself, and the bomb wouldn’t be as poetic, just hilarious.)

For Putin’s 71st birthday: winning the war and forcing Putin to sign a surrender.

For 72nd B-Day: pushing Russians back farther and farther until they’re beyond the Ural Mountains, then just keep pushing until the entire pro-Russian population are housed in gulags in Siberia.

For 73rd B-Day: Renaming Russia “Little Ukraine”

For 74th B-Day: Breaking Russia into tiny new countries – which will likely start warring with each other, rehashing old grudges, essentially doing what Serbia/Croatia/Etc did when they were finally out from under the yoke of the Soviet Union.

For 75th B-Day: invade China and take over and divide that nation into its smaller nations, who are also waiting for liberation … though they too may begin to fight with each other.

For 76th B-Day: Rename China “Little Taiwan.”

For 77th B-Day: make Putin kiss a dog’s asshole

For 78th B-Day: Dead.

And there’s your world news for the next few years. How accurate am I?

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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