MOSCOW - ((Satire News) - America's Grandiose News Agency has issued a statement stating that The Kremlin Voice has declared that 91% of all Russian residents are sick of their country getting their ass kicked by Ukraine and her allies.
GNA reporter Maximus Bedstraw noted that for the first time in its 1,160 year existence, Russia has had to draft males between the ages of 19 and 71, in order to replenish its troops who have been decimated, wounded, or who have deserted to Poland.
Putin is reportedly madder than an African monkey who is allergic to tree vines.
Meanwhile, an inside source at the Kremlin says that Putin is receiving over 600 threats on a daily basis.
SIDENOTE: Vlady is so afraid of being poisoned that he has hired a group of 4 official tasters to taste his food, his drinks, and even his ice cream.
