Seagal Can’t Fly on the Cruise

Funny story written by Ana Sian

Monday, 3 October 2022

image for Seagal Can’t Fly on the Cruise
Rockin' the Hair Dye Star Power!

Tom Cruise has already signed a deal for the next Mission Impossible movie. Tom is gonna join forces in Ukraine and single-handedly take Russia down.

Steven Seagal, Putin’s personal Hollywood bitch, doesn’t like this. He doesn’t like that Cruise is a better and more successful action hero than Stevie ever was. So he has pulled together Russia’s greatest make-up artists and special effects masters to make little movies of him destroying Ukrainian soldiers – without ever having to leave his Russian mansion. Yes, Steve has a couple mansions given to him by his Lord and God, Vlad.

Stevie is a little too old and with a heavy paunch to actually be a hero, but movies have always made losers look good. Seagal hopes this stunt will make him beloved by the Russian people, and inspire them to join the military without needing to be thrown into a paddy wagon – for the glory of Mother Russia.

Stevie will use his “star power” to change the way the war is going. And Tom Cruise, well, he’s doing the same thing but on the other side. But he knows it’s only a movie. Steven still thinks he’s an actor and not a stooge.

Steven Seagal’s hair dye has soaked in a little too deeply.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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