41% of passing cars are black, observes Statistics Canada intern from dining room table

Funny story written by Dr. Strangelove

Wednesday, 21 October 2020

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New Statistics Canada staff member Dwayne Nixon observed yesterday that more than two-fifths of cars passing his dining room window between the hours of 6:00 a.m. and 6:00 p.m. were black, far exceeding the previous daily high of 24% recorded 56 days ago.

Nixon, who joined the federal agency in September on a work term as part of his 4-year Statistics degree at nearby Carleton University, published his results on the agency's What Matters Now web portal.

"I really wanted to share my passion for counting with Canadians," explained Nixon, "and now that I'm working from my apartment during the COVID-19 pandemic, I get a new perspective on statistics that affect each and every one of us."

Nixon's boss, Shelley Tarkenton, was not surprised the recruit could pull off the difficult study. "It takes great creativity and insight to identify statistics that are relevant, and single-minded determination to ensure high-quality and timely data reaches our users." Tarkenton added: "Even though I haven't met Dwayne in person, I can tell he clearly has the drive and talent to score a 'Succeeds Plus' in our upcoming mid-point performance appraisal."

Tarkenton lauded the agency's student placement program as a key factor in putting Statistics Canada "at the forefront of the country's information revolution", and was impressed that even during a pandemic, with direct supervision confined to "annoying MS Teams calls with screaming little d***tards in every f***ing room," bright and energetic up-and-comers like Nixon could be entrusted to push forward the agency's ambitious Modernization 2020 agenda.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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