McDonald’s Adds Sweet Crude to Value Menu

Funny story written by Reggie "Rex" Stain

Tuesday, 21 April 2020

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(Chicago, IL) In a surprising move, fast-food giant McDonald’s added “Barrel of Crude Oil” to their world-wide menu offerings yesterday, where it is featured on the Value Menu or Dollar Menu joining all-time favorites the McChicken and the McDouble.

The decision to add the item came after crude oil prices plummeted to all-time lows on futures markets, even at one point going into negative territory.

“Basically, the big oil producers are paying us to take millions of barrels off their hands,” said Chris Kempczinski, President and CEO of the burger and fries empire. “We were going to simply use it for our own fryers as a huge cost-saving over the vegetable oil blend we presently clog your arteries with, but were afraid of push back from the Greta Thunberg cult. Even though our target demographic are people of color in low-income ‘food desert’ neighborhoods, we still depend on the youth to support innovations like our mobile ordering app. These tech-savvy young adults are concerned about the use of fossil fuels, even though they contribute greatly to greenhouse gasses by supporting the meat industry via the burgers they consume.”

Florence “The Flow” Penn, Operational Director for the US Market, explained the logistics: “We are still working out the supply chain, that is how to get the barrels to consumers, especially since we are now drive-through and curbside delivery only. We realize we may have to allocate drive-through lanes specifically for large SUVs and Bubba-jacked-up pickup trucks. Since sales are strong in both suburban soccer mom areas and the Redneck Deep South, that should not pose a problem.”

No word yet on a new advertising campaign to get the word out, but it is expected to feature a combination of kid-friendly dinosaurs blissfully grazing before meeting a fiery death (perfect for Happy Meal promotion) and NASCAR-inspired pit crews fueling up on dollar sweet crude.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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