American Universities Becoming More Successful At Discovering Signs Of "At-Risk" Students

Written by Wesley Janson

Friday, 12 April 2019

image for American Universities Becoming More Successful At Discovering Signs Of "At-Risk" Students

With college dropout rates in the United States (and particularly in the Midwest) still a major concern, sources confirmed last Thursday that Universities are becoming more successful at discovering signs of "at-risk" students.

Although typical hints that a student is going to drop out usually include decreased academic performance, poor attendance, negative behavior, enrolling in unnecessary courses, and refusal to accept help, academic advisors and student support workers have recently noted that screaming, crying, having psychotic meltdowns, throwing books on the ground, jumping in front of speeding traffic, and leaping off of really tall administration buildings are also major things to look for.

According to several university departments, statements such as "FUCK, I HATE THIS!" and "I THINK I'M GOING TO DROP OUT!" also indicate that a student may need mentoring and guidance.

"Depression, sadness, confusion, anxiety, grief, despair, irritability, low self-esteem, horrible agony, emotional pain, and soul-piercing anguish are some of the main reasons why individuals drop out of college," one student health official stated.

"And although humorous when observed in younger people who are desperately struggling to find their identities while under overwhelming pressure, these signs need to be identified as fast as possible so that we don't lose valuable tuition money to tech schools," he added.

One example of a recent and successful intervention was provided by an academic advisor in Southeastern Wisconsin who convinced a 21-year-old male student interested in writing to stay in the Business Program he severely hates by informing him what his chances of living, eating food, and paying bills would be if he followed his internal and undeniable passion for producing literature.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more