Written by Wesley Janson

Wednesday, 20 February 2019

image for Alumni Association Celebrates 50 Years Of Shameless Donation Seeking While Hosting Reunion Festivities

Illinois. The Alumni Association at Clarkview University celebrated its 50th Anniversary last month while hosting numerous reunion festivities. Alumni from more than a half century returned to the campus to visit old friends and classmates as the association proudly marked 50 years of bothering the shit out of former students with pamphlets, newsletters, and phone calls asking for donations.

With numerous graduates still struggling to make ends meet as they deal with raising children, making house and vehicle payments, looking for new jobs, and even going back to school out of the desperate need for more education, The Clarkview Alumni Association announced that it was recently able to raise enough money to build a new addition to its extremely popular (and heavily-used) Spreadeagle Recreational Center last October.

As the organization hosted breakfasts, dinners, dances, tours, and several other social events, alumni enjoyed reminiscing about their college years, which were full of playing sports, experimenting with drugs, failing classes, drinking, puking, fighting, and fucking.

Fraternity members Bill McKinley and Fred Harper, both from the Class of '89, remembered smoking marijuana and drinking so much hard liquor that they fell off the bleachers during a football game, while Ryan Kroep, Class of '95, laughed with friends and family about the time he was so intoxicated that he stumbled into somebody else's dorm room and peed in their closet.

Laura Kohler, Class of '02, recalled the magical evening when she cheated on her boyfriend for the first time by blowing half of the Boys Basketball Team, and Aaron Becker, Class of '07, couldn't help but think about all the Friday nights he spent alone in Wycliff Hall sticking his finger up his ass while jerking off on his roommate's desk.

Amidst the celebrations, Alex Smith, Class of '08, wandered around in McGregor Hall, the dormitory he used to live in, and was pleased to observe that it still smelled like ramen noodles, armpit sweat, dirty socks, and poop.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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