Midwest, United States. Finding themselves desperately engaged in a horrible struggle to identify "at-risk" students and potential "drop-outs", as tuition money remains a top priority while coaches receive astronomical salaries, university leaders, college presidents, school board members, politicians, and upper middle-class parents have decided that tenured academic professors will need to receive "new" training on how to wipe students' asses and give them sexual advice if necessary.
With archaic grading systems from the early 2000s quickly becoming obsolete, as the self-entitlement generation continues to rise, it has been determined that intellectually-advanced academic teachers (with Master's Degrees and PhDs) will need to coach their young adult students along, rather than heartlessly giving them an "A," a "B," a "C," a "D,"...or even worse..."failing" them because they didn't study or even try to pay attention.
The new training will teach professors in every academic department how to walk into dorm rooms at any given time, pay attention to how their students are absorbing the information from class, and, if necessary, wipe their asses and give them sexual advice.
Kurt Jalenski, a 73-year-old Math Professor in Iowa, went through the training in early March, and found it very successful when he caught one of his Calculus students engaged in a threesome.
After pulling Daniel Greene, 23, away from the two completely nude, large-breasted, gorgeous women he was wildly making love to, Mr. Jalenski forced the young man to sit down at his desk so that he could continue to study sines, cosines, and advanced mathematical word problems while reminding him that 'Kama Sutra-like' sexual positions will not help him attain his ultimate goal of becoming a highly-paid, professional engineer at a successful company.
54-year-old Robert Matthews, a Sociology Professor in Wisconsin, also found the training to be an excellent idea when he wandered into 21-year-old Alan Beckman's dorm room and found him weeping because he couldn't comprehend the idea that "social groups" and "individuality" are actually two different things.
While gently wiping tears off of the young man's face, Dr. Matthews also kindly reminded Alan that if his butt hurts really bad, then it probably means that he needs to go poopy.