Ivy league schools fight back on bad publicity re rich kid favoritism schemes

Funny story written by joseph k winter

Wednesday, 20 March 2019

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The traditional university masthead "verum dignitas" (truth and dignity) is currently emitting a certain odor

Well-known for years, prestigious universities in America have been allowing admissions and testing favoritism in you-pay-we-play programs.

Indeed, admissions-‘r-us guardians of university integrity have often favored parents with big money.

A parent with big bucks can ease a child’s way into academia and the business world beyond.

But now, tired of all the bad publicity, Ivy League Schools have found a way to strike back.

At this time China has invented a new social media program called “pay-for-praise,” in which an individual can request praise over the internet and pay a modest price for it.

Western university administrators are reported enthused by this pay-for-praise principle, and it is also reported attractive to a number of politicians, including Mr. Trump and Ms. Pelosi.

The Chinese example means self-satisfied customers hear themselves praised for relatively small change.

Examples: "You are beautiful! Truly beautiful!!" And: "You are a lovely person who is certainly going to succeed marvelously in the next few years!!"

Ivy-league university adaptation of this approach will add just a few dollars to admission fees.

Examples of pay-for-praise results from previous students at various institutions:

*”I must say my experience in lecture-halls of several hundred students, with the professor a tiny speck somewhere up there on the stage, was comforting beyond belief! I was able to catch up on my sleep-deprivation from all the parties! Awesome system!!”

*”So many, many thanks to your brilliant instruction, from which I was able, finally, to distinguish the noun lead from the past tense spelling of the verb to lead at led. Ever since, I have lead a more distinguished career! Thank you, thank you, oh, how can I ever thank you???”

*”Anonymity, I do believe, prized and implemented by your University’s mass-crowding in classrooms, plus underpaying adjunct lecturers, enabled me to have my trusted assistant (paid for by my parents) take exams for me!! Eternally grateful!!”

*”Contrary to what we find in the atrocious writing of so many news sources today, I must express my heartfelt gratitude at finally learning the difference between its, it’s, and its’. As to my marvelous experience in your graduate school—its’ beyond my ability to express my gratitude!!!”

*”I believe, honestly, that all this brouhaha about academic corruption at our finest schools is really much-ado-about-nothing! It was very very easy for me to be admitted and become a celebrated bench player! Plus, let's not forget your machine-scored exams! High praises! The highest! I thank you! My parents thank you!!”

*”I don’t mind telling you this money you’re paying me to praise you is absolutely THE best result of my education at your university. I have been kicked out of job after job for incompetence and would have no money otherwise! Thank you! Better than welfare!”

Meanwhile, Dr. Smythely M. Hockmeister, H*****d University Admissions Assistant Dean (Phd thesis: Lexicography and Poetry in the its/it’s/its’ Syndrome), has remarked:

“University programs in this country have always followed the current corrup--I mean cultural trends, especially those emerging from the nation’s capitol.”

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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