Caracas, Venezuela—Venezuelan President Nicolás “The Madman” Maduro wants to know "what [expletive deleted] happened" a week ago, when explosives-laden drones “went off,” injuring seven soldiers in what appears to have been an attempt on the dickhead's, uh, dictator's life.
He will accept help from the United States, if President Donald Trump offers to send Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) special agents into his country. “In the past, I have accused the U.S. of engineering assassination attempts against me, but, now that such an attempt appears to have transpired, I say let bygones be bygones. My ass is on the line.”
United Nations Security Adviser John “Android” Bolton denies the U.S. was involved “in any way” in the attempted coup, adding, “If we had been, Maduro would be dead.”
“If the U.S. isn't behind this incident,” Maduro said, “maybe it was former Colombian President Juan Manuel Santos or some other right-winger.'”
“It wasn't I,” Santos said. “If it had been, The Madman would be dead.” Besides, Santos has an air-tight alibi. “I was baptizing my granddaughter Celeste.”
In addition to possible assistance from the FBI, Maduro has also sought help from former Secretary of State Hillary "Hillbilly" Clinton, reaching out to her yesterday to ask for her aid. It was quite a long reach, as it turns out—Caracas, Venezuela's capital, where Maduro lives when he's not being stalked by would-be assassins, is approximately 2,161 miles from Chappaqua, New York, where Clinton resides when she's not running for the U.S. Senate or the U.S. presidency.
Maduro would welcome Clinton's expertise as an amateur sleuth and published author, he said, as he plans to write a book, What Happened, explaining the recent attempt on his life.