WHITEWASHINGTON -- Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez left office in March 2013, due to a death in the family--his own--but his hard-partying daughters Rosa Virginia, 35, and Maria Gabriela, 33, refuse to vacate the premises, even though the current president, Nicholas Maduro and his wife, Cilia Flores, have a constitutional right to the digs and wish to occupy their new residence "as soon as possible."
Since Maduro's election to office, he and Cilia have been living on the streets, inside cardboard boxes donated by the Chavez daughters. The boxes contained the decorations they used to adorn the executive mansion's walls during their parties, which often rage on for days, or even weeks, at a time.
"I am reduced, like the Venezuelan people who elected me, to a state of abject poverty. My wife and I are eating rats once a day; instead of vegetables, we eat cockroaches and weeds. Meanwhile, Rosa and Maria party far into the night every night," Maduro whined. "What's the good of winning an election if my wife and I cannot cash in on our good fortune?'
Cilia said, "These girls are a disgrace to the memory of their father and to their country; they belong in jail, not in the presidential mansion!"
The president agreed. "Hugo entertained, too. The imperialist dog Sean Penn was a frequent overnight guest, although, I understand, he and Hugo slept in separate bedrooms and the actor never partied with Hugo for more than a week, tops."
Maduro has called upon the United Nations for relief. "If that august body could send us a few cases of caviar and champagne and a couple of blankets and maybe a bed and a dresser and a table and chairs and a toilet and a shower, we would be most grateful, indeed."
President Obummer said he plans to send Maduro and his wife food stamps and will sign an executive order authorizing them to receive Obummercare. "It's the least we can do," he declared, "for our friends south of the border who have no pen and no 'phone."