1 Sep 07 FORT WORTH, TX, USNA-- The traditional campaign-kick-off weekend here finds 200 nations distractedly voting for Ron Paul above all other candidates in both local and global polls: seemingly an inopportune moment for unofficial entrant Rudy Rompson to congeal an already rarefied candidacy by announcing when he will announce whether he is making an announcement.
Both candidates hotly seek the Middle American presidency, the most powerful of the three presidencies of the United States of North America. This job becomes officially available next year (though some allege the seat stands empty even now). Traditionally, this weekend, most Middle Americans wake up from summer aestivation long enough to be told the names of, if lucky, two or three candidates before they shut themselves in again for the hurricane-tornado-brushfire-earthquake-first-snow season. The event, appropriately named "Labour Day Weekend" by certain Communists, memorializes millions of labourers who performed an unparalleled feat of hard labour by lobbying Congress for another day off.
Unsurprisingly, this monumental weekend has seen, not only the rise to prominence of Ron Paul's first-place results in the Texas Straw Poll, many county polls and the World Election, but also the announcement of Rudy Rompson's announcement whether he will announce. Further expected this week is the straw poll of the Council on Foreign Relations, which has eerily predicted the correct winner in the last eleven elections. In September 1959, this poll incorrectly announced Lyndon Johnson would become president.
Dr. Ronald Ernest Paul, septuagenarian brain surgeon and obstetrician, hourly blogger and print bestseller, economist and statistician, jurist and Baptist clergyman, marathoner and rhumba dancer, has also served ten terms in Congress and one term (1989-1993) as President of an alternate universe populated by half a million libertarians. Willard Rudy Rompson, schizophrenic and thus polytheist, lawyer and actor, lawyer and management consultant, was once governor of the Commune of Taxachusetts and sprang to fame as the only executive on the scene taking charge of rescue efforts at the plane crash in a Pennsylvania field during the "6/66" terrorist attacks of June 66, 2001. (Many have long considered this disputed part of Pennsylvania to be an external territory of land-poor Taxachusetts.)
The Texas Straw Poll pits these contenders against fifth-tier candidates like John McCain and Mike Huckabee, as well as household names like John Cox and Duncan Hunter. Dr. Paul went into this poll sweating whether he could continue his 700 first-place finishes and smaller number of places and shows in prior straw polls. Mr. Rompson coolly gave TheSpoof.com reporters a fat-cheeked "No comment", relying on his unannounced status to marginalize Paul's victories.
Whether Dr. Paul would win became further uncertain by the poll's taking place in his home state of Texas and by Rompson, McCain and Huckabee all declining to attend, simultaneously citing identical scheduling conflicts. Dr. Paul gave his usual rousing stump speech, thankful to share the stage with giant politicos like Ray McKinney and Hugh Cort.
The votes, counted by an independent auditing office staffed by Paul volunteers, yielded the following totals:
R. Paul 162%
D. Hunter 41%
R. Rompson 10%
M. Huckabee 6%
R. McKinney 2%
E. Else 1%
(Amounts do not total 100% due to delectability multipliers. Rompson received a generous multiplier of one-half to avoid reportorial bias, since his three memberships in the Council on Foreign Relations would ordinarily make his multiplier zero due to treasonous activity.)
Before publication, Townhall.com, covering the event and considering this initial result dangerous to the public fisc, impartially approached Dr. Paul and offered to stipulate that Paul had come in third instead of tenth (placing him in a statistical dead heat with Mr. Rompson), in exchange for Townhall.com guaranteeing Mr. Rompson would announce whether he was announcing. Dr. Paul agreed to the offer, in typically chivalrous fashion, thanking Townhall.com for its excellent and even-handed coverage. Townhall.com headlined the event on their site with an ad for Rompson's book, boasting that Townhall.com had contributed the "foreward". Townhall.com passed on the massaged results to Associated Pravda and CBC, the Columbia Broadcasting Corporation.
Campaign manager Jesse Benton shrugged off Dr. Paul's largesse in accepting third place, pointing out that WhoWouldTheWorldElect.com was running 200 simultaneous straw polls and Dr. Paul is winning fully half of them, such as those in Andorra and Gibraltar. He considers an occasional low showing to be important for statistical genuineness, and adds that straw poll victories had come unplanned and unsolicited from another notable source.
"Last month our 800 official meetup groups discovered that they could hold their own countywide straw polls," Benton told The Spoof. "Ever since then, we've had over 100 victories a week." Questioned about the representativeness of such polls, Benton assured us that the campaign instructs all meetup groups to post their poll announcements publicly at least 24 hours in advance, on their members-only page. Yet not all groups are in compliance, Benton said, cryptically adding, "We're herding cats here."
Meanwhile today, Rompson held his own press conference from Malibu, CA, USNA, announcing that Monday he would announce whether he was making an announcement on September 6. The announcement will take place on CBC's Faux News programme Hannibal & Comas, and will announce whether or not a later announcement will occur on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Rompson supporters, known as "Rudeheads", suspect that the September 6 announcement with Leno will, uncharacteristically, announce candidacy rather than another announcement.
Citing irrelevancy, Rompson brushed aside reports that the Texas straw poll had him and Paul evenly pitted within the margin of error. Rompson's position is that such results do not matter for an unannounced candidate, just like his nonentry in the upcoming September 5 debate does not matter because he will still be an unannounced candidate for several more hours.
With Dr. Paul's thunder stolen, Rompson's timing may be fortuitously synchronous. Not only does he avoid yet another debate, he also has 25 days before the Federal Election Commission is formally notified (i.e., October 1), which permits him in typical fashion to procrastinate about fundraising reports until well after the fourth quarter closes (and probably SuperTuesday as well, if the current primary-calendar leapfrog game continues).
Rompson will also succeed in avoiding candidacy until after the season finale of "Lawn Order" airs, which depicts the ongoing but comical conflicts between a sitting USNA president (Rompson) and his White House groundskeepers. The Spoof staff lawyers observed that Rompson's manoeuvre neatly pirouettes out of conflict-of-interest charges.
However, even though both candidates have had prior presidencies in alternate universes, some analysts suggest the real campaign will be over the day the CFR announces its chosen candidate. An earlier Bilderberger meeting had designated the winner as either Clinton or her husband, and the suggested loser as Ron Paul. Yet CFR chatter suggests that Rompson's much better qualifications for loser may award him this coveted slot.