Helena Handbasket

Screen Name: Helena Handbasket

Helena Handbasket has published 27 items on The Spoof.

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Latest Spoof News Story: Tuesday 2nd December 2008

Spoofing since: Friday 31st August 2007

Location: Middle America

Profile: Helena Handbasket is a dual citizen of the Kingdom of Heaven and the Confederate States of America. She accordingly claims a sovereignty and authority greater than that of the United Nations, and considers the UN's ignorance of her status to be a minor diplomatic glitch. She believes all news is biased and reporters should accordingly admit their biases, erring on the side of caution. For example, as an ardent Ron Paul supporter, she routinely underreports Dr. Paul's billions of supporters as numbering only in the hundreds of millions.

Helena's husband forces her to read and write blogs most all her waking hours instead of fulfilling her dreams of cooking, cleaning, washing, and childcare, while he inconsiderately hogs all these desirable activities for himself.

Helena suffers the rare dual affliction of psychopathic paranoia. Since psychopaths believe in taking whatever available choice is the absolutely most dangerous, and since paranoids believe that ordinary living is the absolutely most dangerous choice available, the two maladies cancel out and result in no symptoms. So Helena behaves 100% normally but lives in an alternate universe of terror, chaos, and frightening illumination. Psychopathic paranoia is usually self-diagnosed, for obvious reasons.

Helena disavows all belief in shapeshifting reptilian humanoids and fragile gray extraterrestrials with implausible football eyes, since she finds disbelief to be the surest protection against their noxious machinations.

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