Sen. Craig's Court transcript released: claims he was moonlighting as an airport restroom spit and polish shoeshine man

Written by Robert W. Armijo

Friday, 31 August 2007

image for Sen. Craig's Court transcript released: claims he was moonlighting as an airport restroom spit and polish shoeshine man
Sen. Craig's moonlighting as a spit and polish shoeshine man using all-natural, animal free product testing ingredients

Washington, D.C. - Fearful that he would be discovered he had to supplement his government employee income by working a second job at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International airport, Senator Craig took his shoeshine man business into the bathroom stalls of the men's restroom. There he had hoped to avoid being recognized by travelers and his regular customers alike, that a United States Senator was shining their shoes to make ends meet and finance his next election campaign.

According to the police transcript, Sen. Craig had created a bogus shoeshine business that developed a regular clientele. They would slip into the unoccupied bathroom stall next to him and tap out in Morris Code with their foot indicating to him what kind of "shoeshine" they wanted that day. Then they would slip their shoes under the bathroom partition, and the Senator would "shine" their shoes accordingly.

That is when, according to Sen. Craig's defense attorney claims, an undercover policeman must have slid over his shoe under the bathroom partition and Senator Craig mistaking took the officer's shoe for a client expecting a shoeshine.

"According to my client," Sen. Craig's defense attorney. "The officer tapped out with his foot a request for the usual: A spit and polish shoeshine using all-natural animal free product testing ingredients, only my client was suffering from severe dry mouth that day and ran clean out of proper polishing rags."

The defense attorney went on to explain, Sen. Craig was merely in the process of accommodating the officer, whom he thought was a customer, when he was suddenly arrested for sexual misconduct.

Sen. Craig unsuccessfully tried to explain to the officer and now everyone else, that the removal of his paints was necessary action in order to access the improvised substitutes, which he consistently maintains he carried on his person to this day.

"He really did a good job on me. All by hand, too," said a male former Michigan's International airport shoeshine customer of Sen. Craig. "He must have really poured on the elbow grease, or something else, because my shoes never looked cleaner or brighter."

"I've never gotten a better 'shoeshine' in my life. Not even from my wife," said another gentlemanly customer of the Senator.

The Senator was quite the conservationist, despite being a Republican, according to customers, as they could tell by how he insisted on using only all-natural animal free product testing ingredients, all the time.

Reportedly, the Sen. Craig shoeshine incident has wives all over Minneapolis, Idaho and the Washington D.C. area checking their husband's shoes for evidence of a spit and polish finish.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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