Recognizing how short they have fallen in the admonition to keep their house in order and treat others as they themselves wish to be treated, devout Christians thirty-eight-year-old Calvin Reed and his wife, Nancy, of Lexington, Kentucky, expressed their concern that God is going to be really made when he gets home.
“Hopefully it won’t be till real late,” said Calvin from the easy chair from which he likes to watch T.V. and eat potato chips. "And He’ll be real tired and will just want to go to bed.”
Nancy nodded her agreement. “That way we’ll at least be able to clean up a little bit before He fully sees the house the next day.”
Calvin shot her a questioning look. “You can clean up a little bit, if you want, but if anyone’s going to bed, it’s gonna be me. The crap I deal with every day, I’m even more tired than God.”
“All you do is crap," said Nancy. “You treat me like garbage, you treat everyone else like garbage, and you eat like garbage. That’s why you’re so fat.”
“You’re one to talk, lardass,” said Calvin. “You need to do penance for your potbelly. I know you ain’t pregrnant because I ain’t gotten none since our anniversary last August.”
“Which, if you remember, you forgot,” said Nancy. “You need to do penance for being a prick.”
At that, she turned away tfrom her husband and wryly commented to me, the reporter, “We’ve got our own version of the Golden Rule. We treat each other like s***.”
Calvin grinned. “I keep trying to convert her to what I call the Calvinist religion, but she’s recalcitrant. She’s going straight to hell.”
“Been there ten years already,” Nancy shot back. “Ever since I married you.”
The couple’s one point of agreement seemed to be their assessment of the heavenly Father’s likely reaction when he returns and sees the state of affairs now, thousands of years after granting them dominion over the earth and their environment.
“Yeah, he gonna be pissed,’ said Calvin, shaking his head. “He gonna go through the roof. Heaven help us sinners.”
“Heaven help the assholes, too,” said Nancy. “Maybe then you’ll stand a chance.”
Calvin grinned at this wife. “Thanks, sugarpotbelly. You always got my back.”
“For better or for worse," said Nancy. "And worst."
