BILLINGSGATE POST: The following interview was conducted in the back seat of Slim Everdingle’s 1951 Champion Studebaker on Wednesday, October 19, 2022. Being a vintage car nut, President Biden agreed to the interview, even though his staff warned him that the old Naugahyde seat covers might cause his butt to sweat through his Fruit-of-the-Loom ball huggers. It was recorded verbatim by Slim’s wingman and confidant, Detrick “Dirty Trick” Detwiler. Any rendition of this interview without the express approval of the President and Mr. Everdingle is prohibited.
Mr. President: Are you fully cognizant that anything you say in this interview will be subject to full scrutiny by Quasimodo Veritas and Notary Sojac and that no subject is off limits?
JB: “Yes, of course. I see this as an opportunity to clear the air regarding my cognitive powers.”
Mr. President: As you know, there is a story that while you and Hunter were in China lining your pockets while you were Vice-President, you were seen driving a forklift down a Shanghai freeway while having sex with three Chinese hookers. Is there any truth to that?
JB: “Of course that is true. Why would I hide that? It proves that I can walk and chew gum at the same time. Something that some of my detractors seriously doubt.”
Meanwhile, in the front seat, Dirty populates a series of popcorn farts that leave Slim and the President gagging.
JB: “WTF was that? Roll down the f*cking windows. Where’s the Secret Service when I need them?”
After a 5 minute pause to clear the air, the interview continues.
Mr. President: What do you think of the economy? Do you believe we’re in a recession?
JB: “Recession, my ass! Between Hunter and me, we have over 40 million stashed away in an off-shore bank. Can’t wait to get my hands on that filthy lucre.”
Mr. President: When you met with Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman, why did you bump fists with the guy after you accused him of ordering the assassination of Jamal Khashoggi?”
JB: “He had just promised me that he would give me a new Khashoggi lampshade for the Oval Office. What was I to do?”
Mr. President: Why should anyone believe you when you said you graduated Number One in your law school class? Everyone knows that you are a moron.
JB: “Excuse me! I passed the Delaware Bar with flying colors. I was in the air somewhere between New York and The Bahamas while a friend of mine took the test for me.”
Mr. President: This is the last question of our interview. You seem to have a penchant for sneaking up behind young girls and sticking your nose in their hair and smiling while they squirm. When did you first start doing this, and what could possibly be going through your mind while you are doing this?
JB: “Just an old trick I picked up while I was in Montana working on a sheep ranch. I would pick out the best looking sheep in the flock and nuzzle up to it. Using my handy dandy Montana Pole (an old pitchfork handle with a mirror attached) I would mount the sheep and dangle the mirror in front of its head to see if it was smiling. To answer the second part of your question; I’m thinking about how nice it would be if I could use my Montana Pole on these other critters.”
Thank you, Mr. President.
Dr. Slim: “It’s hard to believe that 80 million registered voters cast their ballots for him.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dr. Dude. Indeed.”