Vladimir Putin has pronounced from a podium while standing on a chair that he has annexed Texas. Propelled by his annexation of Ukraine territory, he decided to include Texas, and why not? It's only a paper deal. It isn't as though Texans will start speaking in Russian.
President Biden heard of Putin's annexation, saying, "Get out of here. What's he smoking? My grandmother used to say, 'Joey, don't let anyone take your school lunch."
"Lunch?"
"Same as Texas."
The takeover began with street signs changed and written in Cyrillic, causing mass confusion and traffic jams. Instead of hamburgers, McDonald's was selling piroshki and cabbage soup.
Biden was outraged. "What the hell is going on?"
Biden was told that the Russian soldiers had taken over the McDonald's food chain in Texas and converted it to selling only Russian foods. He was also warned, "Wait until you see their Russian women's fashions."
Biden immediately dispatched Vice President Kamala Harris to Texas to clarify the situation. She returned on Air Force Two with a basket filled with piroshki and wearing a babushka. "These are yummy, and I don't have to keep doing my hair roots every week."
"My father used to say, 'Joey, never send a woman in to do a man's job.' Kamala, you are not woke. Mobilize the National Guard, flood those Russian soldiers with vodka, and kick their Russian asses out of Texas. Putin can't sign a piece of paper and declare that it's Russia."
"Done."
"My second-grade school teacher, Sister Mary Yardstick, used to say, 'Joseph, never forge your parent's name on any excuse note.' And I never did."
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