A report filed yesterday by official NSA sources within the US Government included a rather unwelcome development for unassuming people that pray to the Parking Goddess. Maya Moskovitz has not been seen or heard from in almost 130 years. Ms. Moskovitz had enjoyed some mild fame in the late 1800s as Goddess of the Hitching Post and was widely assumed to have moved to Parking Goddess status around 1920. At that point, thanks to the low demand, no one suspected she was missing.
Unfortunately, Moskovitz never really caught on as a major deity. This was primarily due to the fact that most horseback riders and waggoners were non-believers, but apparently Moskovitz didn’t help her own cause. Observers from the era report that she was never fully dedicated to her role, focusing instead on random parlor tricks as an uninvited guest at seances. She also enjoyed molesting cowpokes as they slept under the stars.
Ironically, the few believers she did have in the late 19th Century were the more sophisticated, erudite city dwellers who rarely had any need for hitching posts.
As a result, Moskovitz simply drifted away due to lack of interest. Some believe she may have gotten a better offer on a distant unknown solar system. Whatever the case, Moskovitz has not been heard from since early June, 1896 when silver miner William (Billy) Burton called on her late that afternoon as he sped toward the main hitching post on Main Street of Calico, CA in San Bernardino County on the edge of the Mojave Dessert.
While the goddess did answer his prayers, providing an open spot as he approached, witnesses reported Burton’s bowels let loose as he was securing his rig. An awful scene ensued as a frustrated and humiliated Burton removed his trousers to wash off at a nearby water pump. Residents soon took exception and Burton was assaulted with a 2x4 before being arrested for being a public menace and disturbing the peace. According to town records, he was locked up for an entire weekend before appearing in court where he paid a $80 fine and ordered to clean all of Main Street, end-to-end, which was 280 yards in length at the time.
It is not known whether the Burton mishap had anything to do with the goddess abandoning her role, but most of the speculation says she was bored and disenchanted with the role.
“If it’s fame and recognition she desires, the role of Parking Goddess would surely provide those things” said NSA spokesperson Randall Heilwacher. “We register hundreds of calls from would-be worshippers calling for her every single day!”
Hielwacher provided an unsolicited description of NSA’s monitoring process, which picks up prayers in addition to random thoughts and cell phone traffic. Asked if there was a possibility of NSA officials contacting Moskovitz for her return, Hielwacher would not comment on any communication that has transpired between Moskovitz and the NSA.