First gay Dunkin’ Donuts opens in Cincinnati!

Funny story written by Earthvessel

Sunday, 16 May 2021

image for First gay Dunkin’ Donuts opens in Cincinnati!
The rainbow donut marks the festive occasion

One of America’s most popular coffee chains has burst into the modern age with the first sexual preference-specific, LGBTQ-themed Dunkin’ Donuts store in downtown Cincinnati. Lots of fanfare and glitz on display for passersby at the grand opening yesterday as hundreds of happy, rainbow-adorned people – mostly men, danced, hugged and hung about all around the new store.

“I can’t even tell you right now how happy I am!” said one customer, who identified himself as The Snake Charmer. And I’m so relieved I don’t have to dress up as a normie just to fit in at Dunkin’s to get my morning coffee.”

The Snake Charmer went on to tell us about how, many years back after coming out, he’d tried to switch to Starbucks where most of his friends were going, but “I just never took to their coffee. Too heavy and dark for me.”

When pressed on what causes his discomfort in the conventional Dunkin’ stores, Mr. Charmer paused for several seconds thinking, then tapped his forehead several times before emitting a series of high-pitched squeals, then laughing hysterically. A few minutes later, after composing himself he told us he rarely has trouble talking but that this was an emotional topic for him. Finally, he said “Well, for one thing, it’s where both my parents and all my family go…and everyone I see standing in line there reminds me of them, or their friends. Then there’s another type of customer that kind of looks like they live in a cave rigged with e-games…and then there’s part of the goth crowd of course, but never any of my kind, you know what I mean?”

Snake Charmer is not alone in his difficulty describing the issue. Gay community activists have launched multiple attacks on Dunkin’s over the years, in attempts to trigger a culture change, but the brand “just keeps soaring like a rocket into the wild blue”, as another, rather excitable man dressed as a rainbow told us.

Another customer approached us and said “I’ve been going to Dunkin’s for almost 40 years and the customers look exactly the same now as they did in the 80s.” This one asked to be called Java Bear. Mr. Bear wore only a thong, Dr Scholl’s sandals and Dunkin’s rainbow-themed He-His top hat. His name is fitting as Java Bear stands well over 6” and sported a fur-covered chest that you have to see to believe.

Later that morning there appeared a “rainbow caravan” with over a dozen vehicles, including a couple of rainbow-covered vans with giant phallus’ fixed to their roofs. One van lead the caravan, and the second one brought up the rear. The vehicles circled the store three times, to the delight of the cheering crowds, before stopping in the parking lot.

We were told the group had started out with one van out of Key West, FL and another out of Provincetown, MA. Apparently, each of them picked up a few cars along the way until the two groups were united in Winston-Salem North Carolina, where they did say they were harrased by “some stupid bigots” then headed for Cincinnati in a celebratory procession that included much horn honking and flag waving.

“It was one of the most exciting, fulfilling things I’ve ever done!” participant Dennis Spears breathlessly told us. Dennis told us he rode ‘shotgun’ in the lead van. “Honestly, you start out alone and do one rest stop rendezvous after another – next thing you know it’s a party on wheels!”

We jokingly asked him if he’d make the 900-mile commute to the new store for his morning coffee, Dennis hesitated “What’s that now? I’m not following…” After his friend reminded of the grand opening he said “oh yeah, that’s right! Sure, I would! Ha, ha, ha….”

The store honored the event by giving out free crullers to the first 300 customers and their pastry selection included crullers, French twists, muffins and rainbow donuts.

Dunkin Brands issued a press release stating they are proud to now have a store that salutes alternative lifestyles.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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