In another exclusive for TheSpoof, we interview Manuel Cisterna Ubendos, who has been a cleaner in the White House for 14 years.
"I am very glad to have Mr Biden as president," said the 46-year-old Mexican. "All of the cleaning staff are. He makes our job easier. Especially compared to the last guy."
According to Ubendos, for the last four years he had to cope with a series of bizarre and unusual messes. He had to clean up countless sweat stains from Rudy Guiliani, and scrub saliva from the many American flags in the property.
Burger grease was the most common stain, said Ubendos, and it appeared in unexpected places. "Not just door handles, but on windows, even the ceiling." It is believed that the previous inhabitant would throw buckets of fast food around whenever he was angry, which was often.
The worst thing about the 45th president was his toilet habits. "Joe Biden knows how to flush," said Ubendos. "The last guy...well let's say he didn't need a toilet brush, he needed a shovel."
The one-term president often complained at his rallies about having to flush the toilet ten or fifteen times. Perhaps it is not surprising to learn that his stools were oversized and sludgy. "It was like someone had taken a fresh cow pat and thrown it across the room. It didn't just go in the bowl. It went on the floor, sometimes the walls."
The thing that annoyed Ubendos most about his former boss is not so much the mess but his attitude. "Not once did he thank me or apologize, or even acknowledge my existence. And I was the one who had to clean up when he wiped his ass on the curtains."
He continued, "It's nice to work for a president who eats fibre again."