The Condemned No Longer Fear The Reaper

Funny story written by Kilroy

Sunday, 21 February 2021

image for The Condemned No Longer Fear The Reaper
"The line starts on the left! Have your Insurance Cards ready."

A U.S. government think tank has concluded convicted criminals no longer sufficiently fear the reaper and have come up with a novel idea to ensure there are no more botched executions like the ones occurring in recent years. The U.S. has traveled a long and winding road to find alternatives after a shortage of execution drugs created by European drug manufacturers banging their opposition to capital punishment like a cowbell.

Thus far, states have been unsuccessful in finding suitable alternatives as exemplified by West Virginia’s “meth, gun powder and white lightening” concoction that just seems to make the condemned more hostile.

“It’s fair to say that those are drugs that would not expeditiously achieve (death),” said Daniel Nyhan, a professor and former interim director of the anesthesiology department at Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine.

Thus far, the American drug manufacturers have failed to step up to the grim plate and reap the market with their own effective brands of fatal execution cocktails. “There’s just not enough market share to research this particular consumer segment. Not until you start executing a hell of a lot more people,” said a Big Pharma rep who declined to be identified.

Botched executions in Oklahoma and Ohio in recent years have added tension to an already volatile situation, resulting in desperate execution methodologies, including tying the condemned to the rail road tracks. But the governmental REAPER Project (Righteous Executions Are Purely Evil Rituals) has uncovered what they claim is a foolproof manner of ensuring executions are as certain as death and taxes.

REAPER’s final destination was an Office of Inspector General for Health and Human Services study initiated in 2010 that determined bad hospital care contributed to the deaths of 180,000 patients in Medicare alone in a given year. After pausing and reflecting, REAPER scientists made a bold suggestion.

“We conclude that 180,000 is too low a number. We estimate between 210,000 and 440,000 patients each year who go to the hospital for care encounter some type of f*ck up that contributes to their death,” says Dr. Gunter Chang, lead scientist of the REAPER Project. “This makes medical errors the third-leading cause of death in America, behind heart disease and cancer. Unfortunately, we can’t give the condemned cancer. It’s allegedly illegal. So I propose we toss their condemned asses into the hospital. They’ll be dead in no time. Our time has come!"

There is a bit of irony noting that medical doctors are more efficient killing machines than executioners. “Gone are the good ole days when a family could have a nice picnic and watch a man hang,” said Leroi Earp, self-professed great-great nephew of the famed Wyatt Earp. “We’re losing our cultural heritage to schmucks in smocks! Here but now it's gone.”

Some doctors bemoan replacing the Hippocratic Oath and "turn your head and cough" with "turn your head and die". You still get that thumb in the butt, though. Others in the medical community have embraced their new role as long as the condemned have insurance. “Providing execution services is a market expansion for us. Screw professional executioners. We have become as they are,” said Dr. Buck Dharma, newly named Director of Death Services. "Baby, I'm your man!" he told reporters. "As long as we have 40,000 new clients coming everyday, we can make a profit!”

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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