Re-settling in his beloved Florida is proving the next great hurdle for poor old Donald Trump.
Melania is not amused, and is patently seeking to rule the roost. Go carts are a no-go for the Slovenian model, so she has to walk, or rather strut, everywhere. And, since almost all inhabitants are old folk, meeting anyone under 70 is difficult. But hey, that's Florida!
She refuses to join her husband at bridge evenings, and shuns the daily 'Jogging for Geriatrics', during which participants stop every 100 yards to down Margaritas and Fuzzy Navels. The course of 1 mile usually takes them 3 hours. She enjoyed Bingo, but the couple have now been banned since Trump failed to win the first prize of a pill dispenser with timer, claiming the numbers were stolen, and sent in the Proud Boys to 'roughen up' the caller.
Her husband has placed traditional plastic Flamingoes on the front lawn, but Melania has acquired two blackbelted pigs and a herd of alpine ibex from her homeland - those with the beautiful horns - to roam in the garden. Mountains are sparse, so the ibex climb to the top of any building they can find, much to the joy of locals.
And there's friction in the kitchen, too. Now that White House staff are not present, Melania does the cooking herself. Trump normally goes for shrimp and grits followed by key lime pie, but the former First Lady prefers kranjska klobasa and strukli from her native cuisine, which actually taste better than they sound.
"I can't even pronounce 'em, let alone eat 'em," complained the hobby conniver. "But I'm working on our return," he said, chewing on boiled peanuts.
"And 2024 will be our year," he cried, whistling 'Florida, where the sawgrass meets the sky'. "And this time, only Republicans will be eligible to vote! Or maybe I'll form my own party, The Nationalist Numskulls'.
"You'll still lose," snarled Melania.
Asked if there was anything she missed from the White House, her response was prompt.
"The bodyguards, of course! They were all so obliging..." she smiled.
