John “Chicken Little” Kerry Named Climate Envoy By Biden

Funny story written by Dr. Billingsgate

Tuesday, 24 November 2020

image for John “Chicken Little” Kerry Named Climate Envoy By Biden
Climate Czar

BILLINGSGATE POST: The sky is falling! So what to do? President-elect Joe Biden names John “Chicken Little” Kerry as his special presidential envoy for climate.

In this morning’s New York Post, it was said that pundits have been laughing at Kerry since he attended Yale, when Doonesbury creator Garry Trudeau was zinging his pretentious, vacuous self-promotion.

Even his wife, Teresa Heinz Kerry, questioned his mental state after he lost the presidential election in 2004 to George W. Bush.

She wrote to Dr. Billingsgate for advice:

“Ever since the election my husband has not been himself. He complains about everything; stomach problems, not being able to focus, and most troublesome of all, during sex he cries out, "Johnny, they hardly even knew ye." What do you suggest”?...Teresa Heinz Kerry

If Dr. Billingsgate remembers correctly, he told her not to worry. It is not unheard of that men sometimes refer to their little pecker as “Johnny” during intercourse.

What was Joe Biden thinking for his choice of climate-change czar extraordinaire?

According to the New York Post, John Kerry is one of the biggest gasbags in American politics, singlehandedly responsible for massive amounts of terrible emissions. His reputation for dropping popcorn fart bombs on unsuspecting dinner guests is unprecedented in recent times. Worst of all is his chicken-lip smirk while everyone is gagging for air.

He was a joke as Secretary of State. He vowed a crushing response when Syria crossed Obama’s infamous “red line” — only to have Obama pull the rug out from under him and agree to let Russia pretend to take Syria’s chemical weapons away instead.

He also had the audacity to criticize President Trump over moving the US embassy to Jerusalem, insisting it would cause “an absolute explosion” — when it actually helped bring unprecedented Arab-Israeli rapprochement.

But evidently Biden remembers that Kerry helped craft the 2015 Paris climate accord, which was a meaningless non-binding agreement.

The only conclusion you can draw is that Biden, having vowed to the Progressives to make fighting climate change one of his top priorities, simply wants someone who’ll look like he’s trying hard — but won’t actually get anything done. The very definition of a vitally concerned non-entity.

Slim: “Anyone who smirks while raffling off popcorn farts can’t be all bad.”

Dirty: “Yo, Dude. I’m going to have to call you on that one. Wasn’t that funny for poor Teresa”

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more