In an astonishing statement from the White House, Donald Trump has claimed Joe Biden is ineligible to become President because he is half-Ugandan. "I have reliable information, 100 % true, that he was not born in Scranton Pennsylvania, but in Kampala," he said, beaming his most orange grin.
Biden's staff pointed out that Joe had never actually been to Uganda, and that his physicality did not immediately suggest African origin.
But Trump was steadfast. "If I say he's from Uganda, he is from Uganda. Fuzzy Campeno and Carlo Zamponinni from Brooklyn slipped me his birth certificate yesterday." Well, you can't argue with that.
Meanwhile, the Trump Administration team has been undergoing extensive voluntary tests following claims from Trump staff that Biden's wife, Jill, once pulled a knife on Michelle Obama. No evidence of such was provided. "Not necessary," mumbled Trump, "the story's bad enough."
A random sample of the Trump team at the White House revealed an IQ of just over 9, a full two points higher than the average Trump voter, while half of his Administration staff, including the President himself, are about to have a heart operation, i.e. they're having one put in.
"We've won," whispered the Donald, "even if we got less votes. Biden's votes were fake votes, we won by alternative votes, all cast by Republicans, so, in fact, they count double! Why does no-one believe me?" Yeah...why indeed...?