Pig squeals in news room; offers lipstick for vote tallies

Funny story written by joseph k winter

Saturday, 21 November 2020

image for Pig squeals in news room; offers lipstick for vote tallies
"Super lustrous purple? Yes, definitely."

Indications of voter fraud in the recent presidential election are mounting, including an unusual feud on the right between Tucker Carlson and Trump lawyer, Sidney Powell.

Tucker is not happy that Ms. Powell would not appear on his show with “evidence”, whereas she has stated the evidence must remain private until presentation in court.

Ms. Powell is convinced the election has been stolen.

Meanwhile, the quest for proof that Biden actually did win the election is being challenged, based on numerous “irregularities”.

Stepping forward into this latest rupture is the law firm PALS (Pork Assisting Lawyers Inc).

Represented by Mr. Jeremy “Porcine” Boltsqueal, this law firm today addressed a group of reporters from CNN, ABC, FOX, etc. as following:

“Now, there is no reason to be hasty on this compendium of charges, and, I might add, the unnecessary delay of establishing Mr. Biden as without a shadow of a doubt THE forthcoming president!”

“Let me offer a sampling of what is being alleged, but [cough] so far without evidence, plus the word of some supposed witnesses to--”

“What's that? No, I do not represent Dominion, the vote-counting company that has been accused of fixing elections in places like Venezuela, and has refused to meet with Pennsylvania House Republicans!”

The List

*throwing away ballots
*no verification for ballots
*losing ballots (8,000 lost in Georgia)
*voting machines switching votes
*ballots allowed after the deadline
*back-dating late received ballots
*not counting ballots
*curing/correcting illegal ballots
*ballots with no ID verification
*computer glitches
*refusing to allow poll watchers
*keeping poll watchers at a distance of 20 feet
*rest home fraud
*statistical anomalies
*ballots with no creases and stamped with uniform black printed dot
*ballots for Republicans on the ticket generally but not Trump
*conflicts of interest between Dominion and high-ranking democrats such as Ms. Pelosi

“Now, ladies and gentleman of the jury--I mean of the press corps--I ask you, what is the problem here?”

“Are we not seeing regular procedures practiced decade after decade? Should I go back to examine the George W. Bush elections of 2000 and 2004?”

“Is this not a case of one hand takes away and the other tries to get it back?”

“And I will add further that, so far, it is not confirmed that residents of a zoo in Minneapolis were registered as Democrats (and got their votes in on time, I might add).”

“As for Dominion and its stalling, I will be available fifteen minutes after this conference ends!”

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more