Dead Democrats who Voted for Joe Biden Upset as President-Elect Refuses to Include Them in Policy Initiatives

Funny story written by Chase Karpus

Tuesday, 17 November 2020

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Biden earlier

On Saturday, November 7th, Joe Biden was announced as the President-elect for the United States. After a lengthy and tumultuous week of ballot counting, blue state citizens took to the streets in celebration and red state conspiracy theorists took to the internet to decide just how much of a pedophile is the former Vice President. That night, Mr. Biden and his VP Kamala Harris took stage in Wilmington, Delaware to give their victory speech.

Biden’s speech was laced with pronouncements asking the nation’s most divided groups to come together, put aside their differences, and find common ground—from democrats to republicans, southerners to northerners, bigots to the LGBTQ+ community, Young Sheldon fans to rational Americans. On its face, the message seemed all inclusive, providing representation and hope for some of America’s most marginalized citizens. At the end of his speech, the car-parked crowd was treated to a drone light show and a totally rhythmic dance party to Kygo’s Steve Winwood-inspired Higher Love.

But one group went ignored. They were not delivered that message of hope and future security. Their efforts were not praised. There would be no Higher Love for them. This group is the Dead Democrat Voters of America (DDVOA). A staple of the Democratic Party since the days of Kennedy, the DDVOA has been instrumental in the party’s success, allowing the Dems to continually undermine Republican ideals like fiscal responsibility, individual bootstrapping, and acceptable forms of hate speech.

But surely the President-elect wouldn’t continue to forget about the hundreds of thousands of deceased voters who provided him with victories in such key states like Pennsylvania, Georgia, Michigan, and Arizona (sources: President Trump, Breitbart, Parler, and my irate uncle)? But five days have passed since Wilmington, and while Biden has begun transitional measures that include creating a Covid-19 task force, tapping a transgendered veteran for the Department of Defense, and promising to put forth a proposal to eliminate $10,000 in individual student debt, the DDVOA have fallen to the wayside.

To get a firsthand account of the outrage, we met with Ethelinda Esmerelda, a Stanton Island medium and cigar purveyor, who promised us a counsel with some of Biden’s deceased supporters and a 15% discount on hand-rolled cigarillos. After twenty smoke-fueled minutes with the Ouija board, we were finally able to get in touch with Sarah Bethingham, a Montgomery County, PA resident who died of typhoid in 1922 and voted for Joe Biden in 2020.

“When [Biden campaign manager] Jen O'Malley Dillon first approached me about voting for Biden, I’ll be honest, I was against it. In 1996, when I was asked to vote for Clinton, I was promised two things: access to the internet and basic healthcare,” said Bethingham, “Twenty-four years later, I am just getting AOL and my typhoid has somehow only gotten worse. But, when Dillon said that Biden was going to finally give me the representation I deserve, which included healthcare for my pre-existing condition and Dillon’s mother’s Netflix account, I thought, ‘eh, why not? I’ve heard good things about The Crown.’ But here I am, a week later, and I still don’t know what happened to Queen Elizabeth.”

It’s not unusual for politicians to make sweeping promises with no intention to follow through. Empty promises are practically the bedrock on which America was founded—just ask the Native Americans. But, much like watching a group of white people dance to Kygo, there’s only so much you can take before you ask the question “when is enough, enough?”

“For the last ten elections, Democrats have promised us that we would finally be able to re-locate,” said Bernard James, a ghost who is currently stuck haunting The Kennesaw House in Savannah, Georgia that is home to seven hundred other spirits. “But then the results come in, and we don’t even get a thank you. I was promised a house by the Chesapeake and Jen O’Malley Dillon’s godson’s HBO Max account, dammit.”

“It’s gerrymandering, plain and simple,” said Carl Fielder, another Kennesaw House spirit and former-chairman of the DDVOA. “They tell you that you’ll be able to finally possess a body and leave, but you can’t because, at the end of the day, you only matter if you’re in a swing state. And have you seen Arizona?”

Despite these accusations, President-elect Biden and his team have been silent on the most pressing issues facing the dead constituency that include: the right to property haunting, the right to interstate and interdimensional travel, the right to possession of people, and the right to bear arms. With the senate run-off in Georgia, however, it’s too early to tell if Biden’s silence will result in heavy losses for Democratic Senate nominees Raphael Warnock and Jon Ossoff.

“I’m sick of being used by a system that doesn’t care about my health,” said Michael Valentine, an 18-year-old Civil War veteran buried in Atlanta, Georgia. “My PTSD is still being categorized as shellshock, and I haven’t heard from the VA in over 140 years. I need more than promises, I need action.”

As with most national initiatives, the least visible citizens are typically the last to be helped by our democratic process. On the campaign trail, Biden’s message of inclusion was a lynchpin. But now he has gone silent, and his silence makes you wonder: If we don’t take care of our dead citizens, then who will?

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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